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Dear Mom of a High School Senior

 

Dear Mom of a High School Senior,

Hey, friend. How ya doin'?

I see you there, and I've been thinking about you. You've been holding your breath all year long, blinking back tears, bursting with pride, and simultaneously fighting a feeling of disbelief that your child is graduating this year.

What?! How is this possible?

My baby!

Where did the time go?

I know just how you feel.

During each of my children's senior years I swung wildly between excitement and dread, wonder and anxiety, joy and grief. I helped pick out graduation announcements and put a party date on the calendar, cooked dinners, and planned our "last summer together" times. I fussed at their messy rooms and admired their youthful confidence and listened to their ideas and sighed at the late nights.

I'll be honest, I looked forward to going to bed earlier after they left.

I couldn't wait for a less complicated family schedule.

I was so ready for fewer conflicts, no eye-rolling, and an end to seeing plates and cups left in the living room.

But...I couldn't hold back the tears when I looked in on their sleeping faces at night. Somehow, alongside their nearly-adult forms, in my mind I could see their toddler-selves in footie pajamas, with their soft hair on the pillow, and those eyelashes resting on rosy cheeks that smelled so good. I could see a tattered stuffed lovey under one arm.

Wasn't that just yesterday? How is it that they now fill up the entire bed?

And when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman who had been through the trenches of motherhood: stretch-marks, a few more wrinkles, more than a few gray hairs. My arms, once toned from carrying diaper bags and small children whose legs randomly refused to work and who insisted on being held, now tell me I need a personal trainer and a diet.

I'd savored as much as I possibly could, but you know....life. The pressures of my job, the constant scramble to make it to the next appointment or meeting or sports event, the last minute "Mom my project is due tomorrow" runs to the craft store for supplies, the youth group fund-raisers, and flat tires and pizza orders...it all seemed like a blur and I wondered if I'd banked enough memories to last me through the loneliness I knew was coming.

You too?

I'm thinking about you today.

I want you to know a few things.

First of all, I know your kid is going to make it.

I know it seems impossible that a teenager who can't remember to close the pantry door will remember to get to class and do his homework on time, but eventually he will. I know it sounds crazy to think that your girl who can't make up her mind about which earrings to wear will figure out what major to study...and will finish strong. To be clear, your child is going to make some of the same mistakes you made at his age, (a thought that probably isn't very comforting,) but in your heart you know it IS part of the process of growing up.

 

 

I know there is plenty to fear, but I'm not going to go into the "what if's" of our modern world. Cable news and reality TV can scare you silly with everything that's "out there." Let me encourage you though. Keep fighting through the worry and anxiety. Keep on praying. Keep on believing the very best for your child. You'll be amazed at what the next few years will bring: maturity, gratitude, joy, and a new season in your relationship as your kid becomes an adult friend.

There is so much to look forward to, I promise.

So, keep on looking forward.

As graduation approaches, everyone asks your kid about their plans. Will they go to college? Will they begin working right away?

"What do you want to do with your life?" people ask. I remember listening to my kids answer those questions...even as I felt that question sink down into my own soul.

What do I want to do with MY life, now that an empty nest is staring me in the face?

I had invested so much into my high school senior. For eighteen years I'd loved and cared for the most precious and most exasperating gift imaginable. It was such a roller coaster ride. And now...who will I be in this next season of life?

Maybe you're asking this, too.

Let me tell you: you will be amazing.

Everything you've done in life has prepared you for now. All those sleepless nights and endless conversations about texting and driving and being a person of character; all those spaghetti nights and booster clubs and slumber parties. You've given your all, sacrificed until it hurt, and loved that kid like nothing else in the world mattered.

You've loved hard, and deep, and well.

And that love will propel you forward into your own future. It will make a way for your dreams and your secret longings. Love will inspire you and give you courage to step out into the new world that is yourself.

Who will you be?

You'll be that woman who leans into the next season with all the passion you put into the last one.

You'll be the one who blooms, who becomes, who flourishes.

Like your kid, you'll make new friends, find new avenues of creativity, and set new goals for yourself.

Maybe you'll sleep a little bit more.

 

My dear friend, as you let go of your graduate, remember that you will never be "done" being a mom, just like you're never "finished" being your own person. You'll find yourself on the other side, so grateful and aware of your blessings. You'll be humbled by the immensity of what just happened, and you'll feel tremulous on the verge of a new voyage.

Don't be afraid to lean in. To listen. To feel all the feelings.

Experience the rush of letting go, and beckon the tide that returns to lift you.

You were made for all the joy and all the depth and all the love. You made a life and a family with the circumstances that were handed to you, and you did it with class and style and grace. 

I may not know you by name, but I am so very proud of you.

This is your senior's time in the spotlight, and deservedly so. But I see you standing behind that cap-and-gown clad young person and know just how much this day means to you.

You did it.

You did what you set out to do.

Now, go breathe in the life that is you.

You've earned it. 

With love,

Rachel 

 

 

Rachel is an author, speaker, and empty nest mom.

Her latest book is about letting go, and learning to live free.

 

 

Want more encouragement? My newsletter never clutters your inbox, but brings a smile when it arrives.

 

Do your teens/young adult kids need prayer today? This is for you.

 

My mom has always told me, "you never stop praying for your kids." Now that I've made it through the teen years and am well into the adult phase of parenting, I know this to be true. Our mama-hearts still hurt over them sometimes, and we wish we could just "fix" things and make them all right...just like we could when they were little. Things are so much more complicated now, aren't they?

The very best thing we can do for our kids is pray for them.

A few years ago I put together a couple of special printable prayers and made them available on my blog. They've been downloaded thousands of times, and I thought I'd go ahead and link to them again today.

Today, I'm standing with you. I know some of you are in tough spots with your kids. You worry. You fret. You keep giving them to God, and then you worry some more.

For today, just let that worry go, wont you?

 

Breathe these prayers and know that your heavenly Father loves that young man, or that young woman, more than you can imagine.

God is working in their lives, even when you can't see it.

He is using their choices and situations to bring them to Him and remind them that he is for them. 

 

He will work it out. It may take some time, but you can trust Him.

You can find the printable prayers here.

Feel free to leave a comment, maybe with your child's name (or pseudonym for privacy) so we can all join together and lift him or her to God today.

 

How does it feel when your last child gets married?

Our son Grayson got married last month, the last of his siblings to tie the knot. It was an incredible, beautiful event which had me smiling from early morning until the moment their car pulled away to whisk the couple to their honeymoon...and beyond.

 

 

My husband, Tom, and I sank into our hotel bed after it was all over and held hands across the covers. "Well, how does it feel?" he whispered. Friends and family had asked me the same thing throughout the weekend.

How does it feel? Their eyes searched mine. How does it feel to be done?

 

 

Done.

Wow. I guess I am done parenting, and it happened ever so gradually that I didn't see the tsunami of emotion coming. It happened incrementally, each time the tail lights went down the driveway toward college, after a weekend home. It happened each time I hung up the phone, or mailed a letter, or signed off on a text. 

It's the way of letting go, and it's the way it should be. It's supposed to catch at your heart a little.

Let's face it: this guy has been the delight of my heart for twenty four years.

 

 

And I promised I wouldn't get all mushy and embarrassing on his big day--it was too special to spoil with tears. When we danced our Mother-Son dance I joked that the song was too long, but in reality... it wasn't long enough. Here was my son, my beautiful son, and I was getting to dance with him as we did so many times in the living room when he was a boy...only now he was all grown up and oh-so-handsome in his wedding suit.

It all came in a rush, a wave of pride and joy, that swept over me as he twirled me, then caught my hand as I came back around. 

I've been so lucky to be his mom.

 

 

 

Grayson and his bride Emily left the party through cheers and sparklers, off to begin their life together. I could not be happier for them! She is perfect for him and they will have a wonderful life story to create with each other.

 

 

How does it feel to be done?

The question lingers, and I think about the busy, all-consuming years I spent raising kids.

I remember the stress, and the noise, and the late night talks, and the laundry, and the whispers and the "I love you's."

I picture the car-pools, and jammies, and midnight trips to the pharmacy for cough medicine, the hockey games, and the homework.

I think of the years of work and hope and prayer that defined parenting, and the fear that I'd ruined him and his sisters with my leniency, and possibly too many quesadillas.

But I'm done with all that now. And he's not ruined, just look at him! He survived me as his mom and that's the thing that can never be taken away.

We made it.

I might be done parenting, but I'll never be done being a mom.

When your last child gets married and everyone asks you how it feels, all you can say is, there is definitely a mess of emotions.

But when the dust settles and you have a minute to let it all sink in, you can sit back and exhale. It's all good.

It's all okay.

Because in the end, it's what you always hoped for.

When you brought that baby home you signed up to have your heart broken and mended and healed and reborn in a million ways. You agreed to let that child shape you as much as you shaped him; to push and prod and pull...only to release him to the world again and again and again until he flew on his own.

And if you're lucky enough to get to dance with him at his wedding, you will look at him with wonder and delight, and know that your love will once again take new shape and form.

But it will still be love.

Your love will always remain.

Even when you're done being a parent, you'll still be a mom.

And that feels...really, really good.

 

All photographs are by Feather and Twine Photography.

No matter what is happening in the world beyond, this is still real and true and good.

via AnnVoskamp.com

 

It is a delight to be a guest on the incomparable Ann Voskamp's blog today.

 

My heart has been hurting for our children who may feel unsettled and afraid in this big old world. With everything going on, sometimes it's hard to know what to do to help them feel secure.

We forget that we are the ones who provide our people with tools to grow, and narratives to make sense of a world that can be hostile and frightening.

 

Won't you stop over there and read, "1 powerful thing every parent can do to make this world feel safe these days."

 

And, would you do me a favor? I'd love for you to share that post in any way you can: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest (just look at the gorgeous photos!) It would mean the world.

Now...go squeeze your little loves for me today!

Blessings upon blessings,

Rachel

 

via AnnVoskamp.com

Does Your Teen/Young Adult Need Prayer Today?

 

My mom has always told me, "you never stop praying for your kids." Now that I've made it through the teen years and am well into the young adult phase of parenting, I know this to be true. Our mama-hearts still hurt over them sometimes, and we wish we could just "fix" things and make them all right...just like we could when they were little. Things are so much more complicated now, aren't they?

The very best thing we can do for our kids is pray for them.

Last year I put together a couple of special printable prayers and made them available on my blog. They've been downloaded thousands of times, and I thought I'd go ahead and link to them again today.

Today, I'm standing with you. I know some of you are in tough spots with your kids. You worry. You fret. You keep giving them to God, and then you worry some more.

For today, just let that worry go, wont you? Breathe these prayers and know that your heavenly Father loves that young man, or that young woman, more than you can imagine. He is working in their lives, even when you can't see it. He is using their choices and situations to bring them to Him and remind them that he is for them. 

He will work it out. It may take some time, but you can trust Him.

You can find the printable prayers here.

Feel free to leave a comment, maybe with your child's name (or pseudonym for privacy) so we can all join together and lift him or her to God today.

 

That's Me...Struggling with a Work/Life Balance

Last week, Heather MacFadyen, host of the God Centered Mom Podcast, asked me a few questions about balancing work and home life. HA!

"IS THERE A BALANCE?" I ask.

No, seriously. Is there??

Since this is something I have struggled with over the years, I guess I was a good candidate for offering some practical advice. You won't be hearing "get up an hour earlier" from me, I can assure you.

It's more like: "figure out how to take more naps."

I love the way Heather sets up her "That's Me!" series: a mom will ask a question and they will discuss it together. Then, Heather brings in an "expert"  to bring in their perspective. This episode features a young mom named Annette, who wants to be at home with her small children but whose husband would like her to work part time. She is trying to find some kind of balance between parenting, marriage, and work.

Annette is a sweetheart, and I hope I was able to encourage her in some way. These are hard, very real issues, and I know she is doing a great job in the midst of it.

You can hear the entire conversation here: God Centered Mom Podcast

Here are some of Annette's questions (disclosure: I didn't get to read them until after our conversation):

• Are you the kind of mom who needs a “something else”?
• Is staying home for a season an option?
• How do we handle frustration when husband is home but working/occupied?
• Is investment only a term we can use for finances?
• What are some ways to connect with a husband who works a lot?
• How can we stop operating from a place of fear and self-reliance?
• When moms who work outside the home have “free time” how do they choose between house work and work-work?

I wish I'd spent more time on these specific things, but maybe in a round about way, we hit them all.

What do you think? How would you answer these questions? What advice would you give?

 

Podcast Link 

(Click the play button at the top of the post)

 

Be sure and scroll through Heather's post for links to resources mentioned in the podcast. Here is a better link to my "Real World Housekeeping Schedule." (with .pdf included)

And HEY! Subscribe to God Centered Mom Podcast so you'll never miss an episode! Listening to Heather is like having a conversation with a friend each week. I just love her, and I know you will too.

Subscribe: iTunes | Android | RSS

 

On Medals, Awards, and a Rock Named Stretch

 

My husband was frustrated with the amount of clutter and debris piled into our closets and drawers. "Every single thing you open has a bunch of junk in it," he said, disgustedly. (We've had this discussion many times, just in case you were wondering. This particular one took place several years ago.)

"I mean, just take a look at this drawer," he pulled open a drawer from a small desk in our bedroom. In it was a jumble of old Christmas cards, pens, paper clips, spools of thread, movie ticket stubs, lone game pieces, Music Theory medals and paper awards. 

"And what the heck is something like THIS doing here?" he scooped it up and held it in his palm for me to see. "Why do we have ROCKS in our drawers?" I did not like his tone.

 

I looked down at the smooth, striped stone in his hand.

 

"Oh, that's not a rock, that's Stretch!" I said, laughing.  "Lauren found him when she was about 7 and named him Stretch because that's what he looks like. He's very special." 

Tom immediately looked skeptical. Just to prove my point, I told him to go show Meghan and ask her about it. Meghan was then a senior in high school, and I knew she'd remember.

I heard their voices from her bedroom. 

"Do you know anything about this?" his voice had softened by this time, and I could tell he was showing her the rock.

"STRETCH!" she exclaimed excitedly, the moment he opened his hand. "Wherever did you find him?? I wondered where he was!"

I could hear Meghan tell her dad about how she and Lauren used to love finding rocks. Fat ones, sparkley ones, black ones, skinny ones. But none were are as special as this guy.  He was flat, yet rounded and smooth. He fit just perfectly in their little hands. And with his stripes, he practically named himself!  

 

Lauren introduced Stretch to me and then set him on the wooden kids' table that sat in our kitchen.

 

Stretch kicked around as a paper weight for quite some time. For awhile he lived on the window sill above my kitchen sink, and then finally one day he became a member of the junk drawer club. 

He made the move with us from city to country, having survived numerous rounds of cuts as we purged our belongings down to the essentials and important mementos.

It's really no surprise that Stretch found himself in the company of the medals and awards. I look at those tarnished trophies that celebrate our children's accomplishments, and I have to squint my eyes to recall the ceremonies in which they received them. I can't even remember what most of the certificates were for.

 

But Stretch, now I can remember Stretch. 

 

Holding him in my hand brings a flood of memories. 

He was from a time of pure innocence, an era of my kids' childhood laughter and play.  There were birthday parties and Santa Claus, recess and make-believe. The dress-up clothes were never put away neatly, the kids' table was awash with craft  supplies, and there was always some kind of drama with playmates going on.

 

It was such a messy, noisy and crazy time of life.

 

Who would have thought it would be over so soon?

But I look back now, and of all the things we've saved from those years, Stretch holds a certain place of reverence in my mind. His simplicity, his quiet strength, his ability to keep secrets, and his knowledge of all that's happened in this family make me treasure him all the more. 

When I see him, I envision my beautiful grown daughter as she was at age 7, sparkling with excitement over finding just the right rock. 

"See?" she said, holding out her palm.  "Isn't he just perfect?"

Yes, honey. He still is.

 

Do you have an object or collection from your kids' childhood that means something special to you? Something that brings a warm memory? I'd love to hear about it today!

This post first appeared in here back in 2007. 

 

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PS You might also like these posts: Motherhood from the Way Back Seat and Dear Lonely Mom of Older Kids

Four Things About Letting Go

I'm talking about "learning to let go" at Raising Generations Today.

If you're struggling with the things you should have done better while your kids were little, or you're just wishing you could hang on to that young adult a little longer, I hope you'll find some help here.

 

And hey:

 

 

Pop over and say hello to me over there! Raising Generations Today is an awesome group of encouraging women, endeavoring to help moms in every part of their mothering journey. There is even a conference coming up this fall!

I'm honored that they've asked me to share my thoughts on raising teens and young adults, as well as the "empty nest." The blog world is strangely quiet about these important years, and I know I'm not alone in searching for encouragement and help during this phase of parenting.

Join me! I'm Learning to Let Go.

Prayers for Your Teen/Young Adult Kid - Free Printables

Recently, I sent a newsletter to my email subscribers - almost 10,000 people - with a couple of printable prayers for your teen and young adult kids. I've received so many emails in return, saying "thank you" and "this is just what I need," that I thought I'd go ahead and share them here on the blog.

 

Now, not everyone who reads my blog shares my views on faith and prayer, and that's OK. My posts seem to land more on the "inspirational" side of things...it's where I feel most comfortable in this online space. But sometimes, my faith sort of leaks out all over the place, and that's especially true when I'm talking about matters of my heart. And there is nothing that touches my heart more than my kids, even now as adults.

 

If you are searching for the right words to pray, here are some to get you started. The green button below will take you to the printable pdf's. At the bottom of this post are low res "previews" so you can see what the prints look like. Nothing fancy...just simple stuff from a mom's heart.

 

 { My Gift to You Today - Free }

 

 

I hope you are a newsletter subscriber,so you'll be sure and get special emails like this one with the printable prayers. My next newsletter comes out in April, and I don't want you to miss it!

 

 

 

 

Prayer for Teen/Young Adult Son

 

 

 

Prayer for Teen/Young Adult Daughter

 

 

 

You Belong to Me

"You belong to me."

 

 

 

These are some of the most wonderful, powerful words that can ever be spoken....or heard.

 

Has anyone ever told you that? A parent, or a husband, or a friend? Maybe a grandparent?

 

Maybe you've never once heard them, but wish you had.

 

These words are special because they are part of a larger story. They hold meaning and history and love and fierceness and ownership. They mean identity and a sense of place. They mean comfort and protection and nurture.

 

They mean connectedness.

 

They mean home.

 

Sometimes we get busy with life and we shout, "Love you!" as a car door closes, or whisper our "Love you's" as we turn out the light, with a kiss and a hug. These are important and wonderful to our kids and spouses. But I wonder how often we take the time to look in their eyes and say:

 

You are mine.

You belong to me.

There is no greater gift I've been given in this world - than you.

 

Psychology tells us that "belongingness" is one of the most powerful human needs in the world. In fact, it is listed as one of the top 5 needs of a human, which compels much of the activity in the world. Connecting with others, giving and receiving love, identifying with something larger than yourself...these are all part of the belonging that each of us craves.

 

Giving your children a sense of belonging is one of the most important things you can do for them. They will go out into the world and learn that they don't belong to the popular crowd, or to the iphone5 crowd, or that they don't go to the right school or drive the right car to belong in a group they think is cool. They'll feel excluded from friendships and denied acceptance at the lunch table. They won't be invited to a birthday party, which is the most horrible of horrors. They will doubt their place in this world. It will happen.

 

But they will always belong to you. You will always see the best in them. You'll see their talents and their abilities and the way their eyes light up when they talk about dinosaurs or legos or pancakes. You'll see how they shine, how they fail, how they try and how they hurt.

 

You'll see everything about them and notice all the details...because they are yours.

 

And they will always have that deep sense of belonging in their heart because you gave it to them.

 

There is strength in it. There is power. And even when the time comes that your teenager doesn't really want to be seen with you in public, they will always know deep down...that they belong to you, and there is safety in that knowledge.

 

Today, take the time to say, "You belong to me." 

 

Maybe the words feel awkward and a little corny. You don't know how to pop that into a conversation. But perhaps tonight, when the light is out and little heads are tucked on pillows, you should lean in close and whisper.

 

"You are mine.

I love you, and you belong to me.

I will never let you go.

You are my gift, my light, my joy."

 

And maybe they'll say, "Aw, mom! Yuck!" But they will smile in the dark, because they belong somewhere. To someone.

 

To you.

 

And that, my dear friend, is more precious than anything.

 

Tell me your story of belonging: do you feel a sense of belonging? Do your children know - through your words and actions - that they belong? How did they respond to your words today?

 

*This blog post first appeared Jan. 14 2014, but I'm bringing it back today because it's on my mind.