Home Sanctuary

Dear Mom of a High School Senior

 

Dear Mom of a High School Senior,

Hey, friend. How ya doin'?

I see you there, and I've been thinking about you. You've been holding your breath all year long, blinking back tears, bursting with pride, and simultaneously fighting a feeling of disbelief that your child is graduating this year.

What?! How is this possible?

My baby!

Where did the time go?

I know just how you feel.

During each of my children's senior years I swung wildly between excitement and dread, wonder and anxiety, joy and grief. I helped pick out graduation announcements and put a party date on the calendar, cooked dinners, and planned our "last summer together" times. I fussed at their messy rooms and admired their youthful confidence and listened to their ideas and sighed at the late nights.

I'll be honest, I looked forward to going to bed earlier after they left.

I couldn't wait for a less complicated family schedule.

I was so ready for fewer conflicts, no eye-rolling, and an end to seeing plates and cups left in the living room.

But...I couldn't hold back the tears when I looked in on their sleeping faces at night. Somehow, alongside their nearly-adult forms, in my mind I could see their toddler-selves in footie pajamas, with their soft hair on the pillow, and those eyelashes resting on rosy cheeks that smelled so good. I could see a tattered stuffed lovey under one arm.

Wasn't that just yesterday? How is it that they now fill up the entire bed?

And when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman who had been through the trenches of motherhood: stretch-marks, a few more wrinkles, more than a few gray hairs. My arms, once toned from carrying diaper bags and small children whose legs randomly refused to work and who insisted on being held, now tell me I need a personal trainer and a diet.

I'd savored as much as I possibly could, but you know....life. The pressures of my job, the constant scramble to make it to the next appointment or meeting or sports event, the last minute "Mom my project is due tomorrow" runs to the craft store for supplies, the youth group fund-raisers, and flat tires and pizza orders...it all seemed like a blur and I wondered if I'd banked enough memories to last me through the loneliness I knew was coming.

You too?

I'm thinking about you today.

I want you to know a few things.

First of all, I know your kid is going to make it.

I know it seems impossible that a teenager who can't remember to close the pantry door will remember to get to class and do his homework on time, but eventually he will. I know it sounds crazy to think that your girl who can't make up her mind about which earrings to wear will figure out what major to study...and will finish strong. To be clear, your child is going to make some of the same mistakes you made at his age, (a thought that probably isn't very comforting,) but in your heart you know it IS part of the process of growing up.

 

 

I know there is plenty to fear, but I'm not going to go into the "what if's" of our modern world. Cable news and reality TV can scare you silly with everything that's "out there." Let me encourage you though. Keep fighting through the worry and anxiety. Keep on praying. Keep on believing the very best for your child. You'll be amazed at what the next few years will bring: maturity, gratitude, joy, and a new season in your relationship as your kid becomes an adult friend.

There is so much to look forward to, I promise.

So, keep on looking forward.

As graduation approaches, everyone asks your kid about their plans. Will they go to college? Will they begin working right away?

"What do you want to do with your life?" people ask. I remember listening to my kids answer those questions...even as I felt that question sink down into my own soul.

What do I want to do with MY life, now that an empty nest is staring me in the face?

I had invested so much into my high school senior. For eighteen years I'd loved and cared for the most precious and most exasperating gift imaginable. It was such a roller coaster ride. And now...who will I be in this next season of life?

Maybe you're asking this, too.

Let me tell you: you will be amazing.

Everything you've done in life has prepared you for now. All those sleepless nights and endless conversations about texting and driving and being a person of character; all those spaghetti nights and booster clubs and slumber parties. You've given your all, sacrificed until it hurt, and loved that kid like nothing else in the world mattered.

You've loved hard, and deep, and well.

And that love will propel you forward into your own future. It will make a way for your dreams and your secret longings. Love will inspire you and give you courage to step out into the new world that is yourself.

Who will you be?

You'll be that woman who leans into the next season with all the passion you put into the last one.

You'll be the one who blooms, who becomes, who flourishes.

Like your kid, you'll make new friends, find new avenues of creativity, and set new goals for yourself.

Maybe you'll sleep a little bit more.

 

My dear friend, as you let go of your graduate, remember that you will never be "done" being a mom, just like you're never "finished" being your own person. You'll find yourself on the other side, so grateful and aware of your blessings. You'll be humbled by the immensity of what just happened, and you'll feel tremulous on the verge of a new voyage.

Don't be afraid to lean in. To listen. To feel all the feelings.

Experience the rush of letting go, and beckon the tide that returns to lift you.

You were made for all the joy and all the depth and all the love. You made a life and a family with the circumstances that were handed to you, and you did it with class and style and grace. 

I may not know you by name, but I am so very proud of you.

This is your senior's time in the spotlight, and deservedly so. But I see you standing behind that cap-and-gown clad young person and know just how much this day means to you.

You did it.

You did what you set out to do.

Now, go breathe in the life that is you.

You've earned it. 

With love,

Rachel 

 

 

Rachel is an author, speaker, and empty nest mom.

Her latest book is about letting go, and learning to live free.

 

 

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Life, and the things that can't be measured

This blog post was originally published several years ago here at Home Sanctuary. For many years on this blog, I gave points for daily tasks...because hey, we do so many thankless, unnoticed jobs it was nice to get some actual POINTS for doing them! (Taking out the trash, anyone?)

I love the sentiment in this piece, and it's just as true now as it was then. Maybe it's just what you need today.

 

One of the biggest challenges I face when writing a motivational blog that rewards specific, measurable tasks at home, is that so much of motherhood - and life - is filled with things that cannot ever really be measured.

I know, we're all trying to get organized and find important papers and open the refrigerator door without fear, but in the big scheme of life those things are barely even significant. Not when you compare them to the ways we should love one another, how we should speak to each other, and make room for each other's faults and celebrate small moments of beauty. Or how we should trust God in the midst of trials, or model good character to our kids day in and day out.

Do you know what I'm saying?

How can you ever measure the importance of letting cleaning wait so you can gaze into your baby's eyes and stroke her tiny fingers as you feed her?

You could you never put a number on the patience it takes to listen to a nine-year old tell you a story that appears to have no end...and no point.  And yet you smile and nod and notice how his freckles are so darn cute and his smile is just a little lopsided.

You certainly can't put a price tag on staying up late with your teenager to eat popcorn in the kitchen and talk about boys and hairstyles, and you couldn't ever know the value of just one more bedtime story or a kiss on a forehead or that look you give your child that says, "that just about enough out of you, sir."

No one gives you points for the things moms do to smooth squabbles, feed tummies or wipe bottoms to the best of your ability. Checking behind ears for dirt, playing This Little Piggy, doling out discipline and forever wondering if you're doing a good enough job...not one task can be measured because each child, each circumstance, each day is different and requires every last ounce of a mom's best energy and attention.

And don't even mention watching clouds and chasing fireflies and finding rainbows....they'll never get checked off anyone's list, but they're some of the moments that truly matter - and only come when you're willing to drop your To Do's to catch them.

The truth is, although our lists fill our days with busy tasks, it's the things that rarely make our lists that make life sweet and good. It's when we look up from our phone apps and emails and measurable tasks and see the little people (and big people) who need us to BE with them in the moment, fully present and engaged, that everything comes into clear focus.

 

The things that can't be measured are worth our very best efforts, our highest goals and our strongest pursuits.

 

Love and faith and grace should be the whole point of all our other tasks - that perhaps in reprioritizing them we will leave room for the immeasurable joy that comes when we're simply...available.

Willing.

Surrendered.

Looking for the moments that connect us to each other and with God.

 

Today's Small Thing is to do something that can't be measured or checked off a list.

 

Hold a hand in the car on the way to where you're late to, sprawl across your child's bed and whisper in the dark, or look - really look - at your son or daughter as they speak.

It doesn't matter what.

You choose.

You grab hold of the moment.

You give it the attention it deserves.

Intangible, immeasurable, uncountable, unfathomable. Today, let love and grace fill in the spaces your To Do list cannot possibly reach...and simply enjoy what comes.

 

POINTS: 50 - because in real life you never get points for doing the immeasurable.

On this Mother’s Day, wherever it might find you

 

On this Mother’s Day, wherever it might find you, may you feel loved.

 

For the mom who is overwhelmed and tired, may you find a moment of joy. You deserve it.

For the woman who misses her mom, may you feel her arms around you no matter how far away, or how long gone. She loves you still.

For the one who mourns a lost baby, or who grieves for a kid who has lost his way, may you be comforted in the knowledge that your child is being held by angels. That beloved one is always, always in God’s care.

To the mom who works hard to make a good life for her kids, may you feel appreciated and cherished. 

To the one who has been a mama to other people’s kids, who has mentored and cared for people she calls her own, may you understand the depth of the gift you’ve given them. It is priceless.

For the mom whose kids are grown and gone, may you be filled with sweet memories and tender thoughts of the children who still bear the marks of your love.

To the new mom who is just beginning her motherhood journey, may you know that you will always have what it takes to do it well. You were made for this.

 

I’ve heard it said that every woman is a mother in some way, whether by biological means or by spiritual and emotional means. I believe it.

Women who care for others cannot help but be mothers. We give, we sacrifice, we love, we encourage, we fight, we dig deep. And yes, we cry sometimes, because there are times that tears are the only way to be a mom.

 

This crazy mix of emotions is what makes Mother’s Day what it is.

 

Filled and fraught, tender and bittersweet.

We remember our own mothers and reach for them through space and time.

We savor the smells of freshly bathed babies, and dream of graduations and weddings.

We mourn our losses and celebrate our joys. 

 

Wherever this day finds you, whatever season of life you’re in, I pray that you feel loved and known. I wrap my arms around you and I give you a long squeeze that says, “you are someone special.”

Today, I give you permission to treat yourself to something good. A cup of tea, a slice of cake, a walk in the park, a chick flick, or maybe a nap. Whatever makes you happy, do it! I insist.

On this Mother’s Day, may you know that you are beautiful inside and out, and that this world is better because of you.

Thank you for being part of my online life.

 

You are loved; so, so loved.

 

Always your friend and Company Girl,

Rachel

With Love, Mom

It's a book giveaway day!

 

I'm so excited about a new book called, With Love, Mom - by Dawn Camp. If you are a mother or a daughter, or HAVE a mother or a daughter, this book is for you!

With Love, Mom is a collection of stories about the remarkable bond between mothers and daughters. I had the immense honor to both contribute a story (one of my favorite blog posts ever), and write the foreword to this sweet book. Here is a bit of it:

My own two daughters are grown. They burst into my life as two little redheads, so full of life and energy and creativity. I wondered sometimes, well, lots of times, how on earth to raise these darling hooligans. They tested my patience, tried my mothering skills, drove me to my knees...and they delighted me to no end. They taught me, truly, how to love. My girls, Lauren and Meghan, now have daughters of their own. As I watch them raise their girls, I have a chance to see what I could not always see clearly when we were in the thick of figuring this "mother-daughter thing" out: I see just how precious this gift is.

I see how beautiful it is.

 

 Aw, MAN. I get teary just thinking about my girls.

This book is an invitation to pull up a chair and listen to other moms and daughters. No matter where you are in your journey, you'll find encouragement, inspiration, and wisdom from this sisterhood of friends.

 

I'm giving away a copy of With Love, Mom today!

 

Simply leave me a comment here that says something you love about your mom, or that you love about your daughter. We will all love reading the comments, and I'll draw a random winner over the weekend.

BTW, This would make a wonderful Mothers Day gift as well....just saying.

 

How does it feel when your last child gets married?

Our son Grayson got married last month, the last of his siblings to tie the knot. It was an incredible, beautiful event which had me smiling from early morning until the moment their car pulled away to whisk the couple to their honeymoon...and beyond.

 

 

My husband, Tom, and I sank into our hotel bed after it was all over and held hands across the covers. "Well, how does it feel?" he whispered. Friends and family had asked me the same thing throughout the weekend.

How does it feel? Their eyes searched mine. How does it feel to be done?

 

 

Done.

Wow. I guess I am done parenting, and it happened ever so gradually that I didn't see the tsunami of emotion coming. It happened incrementally, each time the tail lights went down the driveway toward college, after a weekend home. It happened each time I hung up the phone, or mailed a letter, or signed off on a text. 

It's the way of letting go, and it's the way it should be. It's supposed to catch at your heart a little.

Let's face it: this guy has been the delight of my heart for twenty four years.

 

 

And I promised I wouldn't get all mushy and embarrassing on his big day--it was too special to spoil with tears. When we danced our Mother-Son dance I joked that the song was too long, but in reality... it wasn't long enough. Here was my son, my beautiful son, and I was getting to dance with him as we did so many times in the living room when he was a boy...only now he was all grown up and oh-so-handsome in his wedding suit.

It all came in a rush, a wave of pride and joy, that swept over me as he twirled me, then caught my hand as I came back around. 

I've been so lucky to be his mom.

 

 

 

Grayson and his bride Emily left the party through cheers and sparklers, off to begin their life together. I could not be happier for them! She is perfect for him and they will have a wonderful life story to create with each other.

 

 

How does it feel to be done?

The question lingers, and I think about the busy, all-consuming years I spent raising kids.

I remember the stress, and the noise, and the late night talks, and the laundry, and the whispers and the "I love you's."

I picture the car-pools, and jammies, and midnight trips to the pharmacy for cough medicine, the hockey games, and the homework.

I think of the years of work and hope and prayer that defined parenting, and the fear that I'd ruined him and his sisters with my leniency, and possibly too many quesadillas.

But I'm done with all that now. And he's not ruined, just look at him! He survived me as his mom and that's the thing that can never be taken away.

We made it.

I might be done parenting, but I'll never be done being a mom.

When your last child gets married and everyone asks you how it feels, all you can say is, there is definitely a mess of emotions.

But when the dust settles and you have a minute to let it all sink in, you can sit back and exhale. It's all good.

It's all okay.

Because in the end, it's what you always hoped for.

When you brought that baby home you signed up to have your heart broken and mended and healed and reborn in a million ways. You agreed to let that child shape you as much as you shaped him; to push and prod and pull...only to release him to the world again and again and again until he flew on his own.

And if you're lucky enough to get to dance with him at his wedding, you will look at him with wonder and delight, and know that your love will once again take new shape and form.

But it will still be love.

Your love will always remain.

Even when you're done being a parent, you'll still be a mom.

And that feels...really, really good.

 

All photographs are by Feather and Twine Photography.

No matter what is happening in the world beyond, this is still real and true and good.

via AnnVoskamp.com

 

It is a delight to be a guest on the incomparable Ann Voskamp's blog today.

 

My heart has been hurting for our children who may feel unsettled and afraid in this big old world. With everything going on, sometimes it's hard to know what to do to help them feel secure.

We forget that we are the ones who provide our people with tools to grow, and narratives to make sense of a world that can be hostile and frightening.

 

Won't you stop over there and read, "1 powerful thing every parent can do to make this world feel safe these days."

 

And, would you do me a favor? I'd love for you to share that post in any way you can: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest (just look at the gorgeous photos!) It would mean the world.

Now...go squeeze your little loves for me today!

Blessings upon blessings,

Rachel

 

via AnnVoskamp.com

Is it Possible to Struggle Well?

Yes. Yes, I believe it is possible to struggle well.

I mean, I know I've struggled poorly a lot, but as I reflect, there are the good kinds of struggles as well. You know, the kind where you say, "Oh, good, that struggle is over!"

Hey, you know what, I just noticed the earrings I'm wearing in this picture:

 

WHERE ARE THEY??? These earrings are my favorites, and I didn't even realize they'd gone missing! HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN GONE?

Now I want them back.

Okay, back to my subject. I'll try not to think about my earrings. The earrings that are my favorites. The ones I can't find.

I'll stop.

On to my point: I want to introduce you to Emily Thomas, a friend of mine who I met through blogging. She is a talented artist, blogger, mom and podcaster, who loves to encourage moms in their journeys. She's honest, funny, and sweet, as you can tell from her About Page!

 

 

Emily asked me to be a guest on her podcast, Mom Struggling Well, and I loved getting to share a bit of my own story as a fellow struggler..who is just far enough ahead to be able to reassure others coming along behind that it's going to be all right. 

I hope you'll listen to our conversation! Spoiler: you'll learn one unexpected way I show love to my husband. You can find our conversation right here:

 

Mom Struggling Well: Interview with Rachel

 

Don't forget to subscribe to Emily's podcast on itunes or your favorite podcast platform!

That's Me...Struggling with a Work/Life Balance

Last week, Heather MacFadyen, host of the God Centered Mom Podcast, asked me a few questions about balancing work and home life. HA!

"IS THERE A BALANCE?" I ask.

No, seriously. Is there??

Since this is something I have struggled with over the years, I guess I was a good candidate for offering some practical advice. You won't be hearing "get up an hour earlier" from me, I can assure you.

It's more like: "figure out how to take more naps."

I love the way Heather sets up her "That's Me!" series: a mom will ask a question and they will discuss it together. Then, Heather brings in an "expert"  to bring in their perspective. This episode features a young mom named Annette, who wants to be at home with her small children but whose husband would like her to work part time. She is trying to find some kind of balance between parenting, marriage, and work.

Annette is a sweetheart, and I hope I was able to encourage her in some way. These are hard, very real issues, and I know she is doing a great job in the midst of it.

You can hear the entire conversation here: God Centered Mom Podcast

Here are some of Annette's questions (disclosure: I didn't get to read them until after our conversation):

• Are you the kind of mom who needs a “something else”?
• Is staying home for a season an option?
• How do we handle frustration when husband is home but working/occupied?
• Is investment only a term we can use for finances?
• What are some ways to connect with a husband who works a lot?
• How can we stop operating from a place of fear and self-reliance?
• When moms who work outside the home have “free time” how do they choose between house work and work-work?

I wish I'd spent more time on these specific things, but maybe in a round about way, we hit them all.

What do you think? How would you answer these questions? What advice would you give?

 

Podcast Link 

(Click the play button at the top of the post)

 

Be sure and scroll through Heather's post for links to resources mentioned in the podcast. Here is a better link to my "Real World Housekeeping Schedule." (with .pdf included)

And HEY! Subscribe to God Centered Mom Podcast so you'll never miss an episode! Listening to Heather is like having a conversation with a friend each week. I just love her, and I know you will too.

Subscribe: iTunes | Android | RSS

 

Making it Home

Today, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Emily Wierenga.

Emily's newest memoir, Making it Home, releases on September 8, and I've invited her to post an excerpt from her book here. I know you'll love her story about finding finding peace, identity and purpose...and you'll also fall in love with her along the way, just like I did.

Here's Emily: 

 

 

 

“I don’t know how to tell you this, Emily, but—they said no.” I’m on the phone with my agent two weeks after giving birth to my nearly nine-pound Kasher and I’m crying before she starts because I know. 

 

“It’s been so long,” I whisper. It’s all the breath left in me. 

 

“I know—I’m so sorry,” she says, and we’re silent together, except for my hiccupping sobs. An editor has been courting the manuscript for a year, and after three hundred and sixty five days of waiting, the publishing board has said no and I have nothing.

Forgetting how doctors had said I wouldn’t be able to have children, forgetting about the miracle that lies in my arms and the other one that’s coloring a picture at the Ikea kids’ table. Forgetting about the man who lives to make me laugh, who’s making wine in the kitchen, forgetting the sound of Mum’s voice on the end of the line, the voice of a woman I’d thought would die now lives, healed of her brain tumor. 

Forgetting that a book deal is not what gives me a name, but it’s all I hear: the sound of rejection on the other end of the line, the sound of me, being made a fool, for all my waiting and hoping. 

 

The champagne bottle unopened in the fridge.

 

 

“Everything okay?” Trent mouths the words at me. I shake my head. Kasher asleep in my arms and my agent telling me I should spend some time writing what I want to write. To put this book aside and just do something that brings me joy.

 

I don’t know what that means.

 

I don’t know how to do anything for joy and then I remember dating Trent. I remember that kiss in the rain outside his townhouse; I remember hours on the carpet with my head on his chest, talking, listening to the radio and I remember midnight bike rides to Rundle Park, playing Frisbee golf and watching movies just to hold each other’s hand. 

 

A joy that writes what it wants to.

 

“Alright,” I say, and my agent prays with me and we say Goodbye.

I wonder how long she will put up with me. I haven’t sold anything yet and Aiden’s showing me his picture. It’s a scribble of green marker—his favorite color—and he’s got green on his lips and he’s smiling but his eyebrows are raised. He’s wondering if I like it, and he’s only two. His mommy’s fears course through him and I kneel down and hug him, tell him, “It’s magnificent, son, I can’t wait to hang it on the fridge,” and his small body relaxes. 

He knows in this moment that I love him because I said I like his picture but I want for him what I want for me: the long-lasting sense of self in spite of what the world tells him. I want him to be so at peace that he can sleep in the boat while the storm rocks and I want him to know without a shadow of a doubt the confidence that makes a person walk on water. 

 

And maybe if I learn it, he will too.

 

This excerpt is taken from Emily Wierenga’s new memoir (the sequel to ATLAS GIRL), Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity and Purpose. Order HERE.

 

 

 

What does it mean to be a woman and to make a home?

Does it mean homeschooling children or going to the office every day?

Cooking gourmet meals and making Pinterest-worthy home décor?

In Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity, and Purpose, author and blogger Emily Wierenga takes readers on an unconventional journey through marriage, miscarriage, foster parenting and the daily struggle of longing to be known, inviting them into a quest for identity in the midst of life’s daily interruptions. Get your copy HERE. Proceeds benefit Emily’s non-profit, The Lulu Tree.

 

Get FREE downloadable chapters from Making It Home HERE.

 

 

A New Grand-Daughter, and a Few Thoughts

Hazel Marie made her debut on August 3! One week old today, she is healthy and beautiful.

 

 

I had the privilege of being with Lauren, Robert, and Ivy (age 2) for the first five days of Hazel's life.

I have almost no words for the wonder of this new life, brought into the world by my daughter, but I'll try today.

 

You see, there's this feeling.

 

 

I've experienced it three times now, with each new grandbaby, as I looked at both of my daughters with their pink bundles in their arms. Perhaps it's because my girls have had daughters that I've felt this way, I don't know.

Maybe it's a rite of passage.

 

 

But I look at Lauren. It's like I'm seeing her through glasses with magic lenses: I see her as the beautiful, grown-up woman that she is, while simultaneously seeing her younger self - the child who loved to draw pictures, and whose hands were always creating something out of found objects. Bits of string, shoe boxes, paper and tape...always lots of tape.

 

 

 

Somehow, I feel her little arms around my neck and remember the stories we read at bedtime and the kites we flew in the field behind our house. Cookies and milk after school, the piles of dishes and laundry that I could never really get control of.

The years of work and love, and confidence and doubt.

I see it all, images overlaying images; some faded around the edges, but still vivid and full of color.

 

 

 

I see myself, too. I see how I obsessed about whether I was doing a good enough job as a mom.

Was I serving enough vegetables? Was I teaching the right life lessons? Did I lose my patience too many times? Making the right educational choices? Allowing her to wear mismatched socks way too often?

My magic glasses fade away, and here is Lauren, holding out her new baby for the two year-old to kiss.

And I know all the years of work, and love, and confidence, and doubt are ahead of her, as well.

 

I kiss the top of MY baby's head. My beautiful girl, this young mama.

 

 

And I press her close. I want to say this, but I can't speak:

 

All of the wonder is ahead of you, too, honey.

 

Hold on tight for the ride.

It's wonderful and messy and hard and good. You'll question yourself a million times along the way. You'll stay up late praying. You'll be overcome with joy a million more times.

It will feel like a spinning tilt-a-whirl sometimes.

But listen, don't worry.

Motherhood is supposed to be this way.

 

 

And one day, a couple of decades from now, you'll find a pair of magic glasses in your pocket that lets you see the past, and the present, all at the same time.

You'll see how Hazel and Ivy grew into beautiful mamas, and how they invited you to spend the first few days with them and their new babies, because they needed you to help them settle in. You'll marvel at their patience, their ability to watch Daniel Tiger with toddlers for hours, their kindness and generosity and love. 

And you'll still feel their little arms around your neck, and be able to see the kites and the cookies, and hear the sleepy whispers at bedtime.

You'll remember your doubts. You'll remember how you sometimes worried, and you'll see now that you shouldn't have.

 

Because now you see how it all turned out, and the sheer beauty of it catches you, holds you, and leaves you breathless in its wake.

 

You'll feel so very proud of those kids you didn't ruin with the mismatched sock thing.

 

You'll see just. How. Amazing. They are.

 

And you'll feel simply...grateful. 

 

 

 

Thank you to Heidi Thaden-Pierce, Lauren's wonderful doula, for the gorgeous birth photos.