Home Sanctuary

The Heart of Marriage

 

Just in time for Valentines Day, my friend Dawn Camp's newest book is here! The Heart of Marriage is a gorgeous compilation of writings on marriage from today's top writers and bloggers. I love that there are many voices, perspectives, and seasons of life reflected in its pages. Reading it makes me appreciate my marriage in a new way.

 

I was honored to be part of the book with a piece I wrote about Valentines Day....from the perspective of someone who has shared over 30 of them through the years. Our "celebrations" often look like us catching each other's eyes in the bathroom mirror at 10 pm and saying, "Oh yeah...Happy Valentines Day, Babe. Sorry I forgot." LOL

To be honest, there have been a couple of years that I've cried my eyes out over the disappointments of the day, having wished for flowers, chocolates and a romantic dinner, only to have a chaotic dinner at home with noisy children and a pile of dishes to do, and there have been many that have been pure sweetness, and lots that were all about making sure our kids felt loved. 

Mostly, the day is for honoring our relationship by remembering how our love has both weathered storms and blossomed in the sweet times. 

 

I've learned that love is less about flowers and chocolates, and more about changing diapers, paying bills, and simply being there for the other person, no matter what.

 

Maybe that doesn't sound romantic, but I've come to see that there are ebbs and flows in our relationship. The love we share just sometimes looks a lot like everyday life, and that's okay. And yes, the sparks still fly, and my man still makes my heart beat faster. After so many years together, I still feel lucky that we found each other.

Instead of waiting for someone to give you something special tomorrow, I hope you'll pick up a copy of The Heart of Marriage for yourself! It's a perfect way to reignite that spark of romance, and see your everyday life together as something special. I know we can all use that from time to time!

This book also makes a great gift for a new bride, for an anniversary, or a wedding. I will be giving it as a shower gift to a friend who is getting married this spring.

And, Happy Valentine's Day from me to you! Thank you for being part of my life here each week...I love and appreciate you.

Love, Rachel

Belated Happy Valentine's Day

Today's post is a reprise from 2012, but everything about it is still true. Except that now we've had 33 Valentine's Days together. Enjoy:

 

 

 

 

I've tried to write about our love story at least a half a dozen times on this blog. And every time, I've ended up deleting the sappy mess of words and emotion that appears on the screen. There is just no way to cover a lifetime of crazy hard good long deep love in one post, except to say that we are still Valentines.

That guy. Tom asked me to marry him six weeks after our first date. Of course I said "yes" immediately. He always tells people, "I chased Rachel until she caught me," and it's almost true. I knew right from that first double-take that he was going to be the one. Six months from that first date, we were hitched. And what a ride it's been.

Today I'm sharing my two favorite photos of us.

The first (above) is from when we were engaged: Tom let himself into the UT Arlington stadium in the middle of the night, and armed with a flashlight and a design he'd drawn on grid paper, he spelled out "I love you Rachel" in the stands by flipping seats into a pattern. In the morning, he took me up in a small plane and flew me over it as he launched into a monologue entitled, "I Wish There Was Some Special Way I Could Tell You How Much I love You....Oh Look Down There!"

It was epic.

The photo actually appeared in the local paper. Tom landed the plane and we made our way over to the stadium to take pictures and a photojournalist, who'd seen the gigantic love note from the road, snapped it. What a memory.

Fast forward 29 years, three kids, two dogs, several cats, gerbils and parakeets, three businesses, some failures, some tough years and some incredibly awesome times.....and here we are.

This photo is from our daughter's wedding in November and I love it because it was such a special moment. We were in the middle of taking family pictures and it just seemed like time went into slow motion and everything was good and beautiful and sweet and perfect. I don't know, we were just a couple of kids who fell crazy in love and made this life with each other and suddenly there we were...our kids all grown up and finding their own way and somehow it was coming back to the two of us. I could almost picture every moment of our history - the toddlers, the middle school years, the piano lessons, the braces, the job losses, the health scares, the babies we lost and the graduations and now weddings. So much has happened and yet so much has stayed the same. We're still those crazy kids, we're still laughing at the same corny lines and still getting angry over the same petty things. I'm still messy and he's still a neat freak. We still think the other is hot.

And we're still Valentines.

In years past, we've made this day about the kids and making sure they felt loved. Sometimes we've even forgotten to celebrate it. But this year, we are feeling a little bit giddy again. Maybe it's that life is about to turn another corner and things will once again change when the last of our kids takes off for college. Or maybe it's just that we feel the depth of the life we've forged, and the experiences we've shared that have become our story.

There is no Small Thing today, except to celebrate the love in your life - whatever that looks like. In my experience, love is less about flowers and chocolates and more about changing diapers, paying bills and simply being there for the other person no matter what. Love is long and hard and crazy and good. It's awesome if you get a bouquet of flowers every now and then, but what's even awesomer is when you look across the table at the person you married and know you'd do it all over again. To know that you didn't get the "perfect" life together, you just got a shot at making the "best" life together. And that every day you get a new chance to make it work, to share the load, to dance in the kitchen and to hold hands on the couch. You get a new chance to love and forgive and overlook and celebrate.

You are making your own love story happen.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day! With much love,

Rachel Anne

That's Me...Struggling with a Work/Life Balance

Last week, Heather MacFadyen, host of the God Centered Mom Podcast, asked me a few questions about balancing work and home life. HA!

"IS THERE A BALANCE?" I ask.

No, seriously. Is there??

Since this is something I have struggled with over the years, I guess I was a good candidate for offering some practical advice. You won't be hearing "get up an hour earlier" from me, I can assure you.

It's more like: "figure out how to take more naps."

I love the way Heather sets up her "That's Me!" series: a mom will ask a question and they will discuss it together. Then, Heather brings in an "expert"  to bring in their perspective. This episode features a young mom named Annette, who wants to be at home with her small children but whose husband would like her to work part time. She is trying to find some kind of balance between parenting, marriage, and work.

Annette is a sweetheart, and I hope I was able to encourage her in some way. These are hard, very real issues, and I know she is doing a great job in the midst of it.

You can hear the entire conversation here: God Centered Mom Podcast

Here are some of Annette's questions (disclosure: I didn't get to read them until after our conversation):

• Are you the kind of mom who needs a “something else”?
• Is staying home for a season an option?
• How do we handle frustration when husband is home but working/occupied?
• Is investment only a term we can use for finances?
• What are some ways to connect with a husband who works a lot?
• How can we stop operating from a place of fear and self-reliance?
• When moms who work outside the home have “free time” how do they choose between house work and work-work?

I wish I'd spent more time on these specific things, but maybe in a round about way, we hit them all.

What do you think? How would you answer these questions? What advice would you give?

 

Podcast Link 

(Click the play button at the top of the post)

 

Be sure and scroll through Heather's post for links to resources mentioned in the podcast. Here is a better link to my "Real World Housekeeping Schedule." (with .pdf included)

And HEY! Subscribe to God Centered Mom Podcast so you'll never miss an episode! Listening to Heather is like having a conversation with a friend each week. I just love her, and I know you will too.

Subscribe: iTunes | Android | RSS

 

With Words, Timing is Everything

 

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A few years ago, my husband and I spent the evening in the family room together. I was checking email, reading blogs and doing my own thing. Tom was watching TV and doing his own thing.

Companionable silence, it was nice. I just love how we could just be with one another and enjoy the togetherness.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he says, "Hey, I don't really like the way you have your hair right now."

 

 

His words hang like a giant matzo ball in the air.

 

 

Ooooh KAAAY.....

 

I lift my attention from the screen and fix my gaze upon him. Eyes narrow.

I bring my fingertips together and feel ice run through my veins.

I purse my lips.

 

I'll log THAT away.

 

The silence stretches, until I hear myself say, "Oh really." 

Do tell.

Tom elaborates:

"It just makes your head look kind of boxy on top."

Diggin' a hole, buddy.

"I liked it better the other way."

Diggin' a deeper hole, pal.

Now he's talking faster, as if he's realized he's in dangerous territory.  Except for my raised eyebrows and piercing stare, I feel I am maintaining incredible cool. 

"I just saw this newscaster on TV and thought she had good hair and that reminded me that I was meaning to tell you that I liked it better when it flipped out more on the sides or something...."  he trails off and mumbles incoherently.

Too late, he realizes he's just stepped into some serious doo-doo.

"Well, thanks for the advice," I say. I am annoyed.

Why would you bring THAT up out of nowhere?

I was still annoyed an hour later as we were getting ready to crawl in for the night.  I ripped the covers over me and made a point of getting my pillows organized.

Hmph. BOXY? The nerve.

 

It was then that I realized that there is probably never a good time for a man to voice a negative opinion about his wife's hair. 

 

Out of the blue is probably just as good a time as any, because it's never going to go over very well. 

Now, a guy might want to have a good exit strategy, like a getaway car waiting with engine running, if he values his life at all.  At the very least, he ought to have a big distraction to pull off, like a fire alarm or a well-timed phone call. 

 

It's a conversation that has no good ending, just a narrow escape.

 

Upon reflection, (and upon seeing pictures of my hair during those years) I can see that Tom had a point. My head actually DID resemble a UPS package, and it DID look better when it kind of flipped out at the sides. He knew how important my hair is to me, and he was just looking out for me.

Lord knows I can't see the top of my own head and need a loving set of eyes to help me avoid boxy hair.

His timing was just a little off.

 

I'm reminded that the words we speak are just as important as the moment we choose to say them. 

 

 

These days, I'm trying to make a habit of pausing for a minute before blurting out my opinions. 

Is now a good time? 

Would it be better to wait until a favorite television show is over?

Does the recipient of my information feel loved in the process?  

Should I just sit on it for a day and think about what I want to communicate?  

Should I give a heads up that there's something we need to talk about later?

Is what I have to say–and how I say it–kind and gracious?

 

I'm still working on this, how about you? 

 

Prov. 16:24 Kind words are like honey--sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

 

Today, think about the words you say before you say them. Ask for wisdom, take a deep breath, and be kind.

And tread carefully when it comes to talking about hair.

A Peaceful Marriage - WHAT'S THAT??

We're still talking about creating a peaceful home that is a place of refuge for yourself and your family this week. If you're just joining in, I hope you'll read this, this and this as well!

 

I used to think that a peaceful marriage was The Absence of Conflict.

BHAHAHAHA!

Funny one, Rachel.

Actually, if you and your spouse never disagree, then one of you is superfluous. I won't say who.

OK, let's be serious now.

I like to think of peacefulness in your marriage as something that takes cultivation. It takes some work... some plowing, some watering, some fertilizing, some sun and rain. It takes planting good seeds that yield a good crop.

It stands to reason that whatever you are planting, you'll be reaping, right?

Now, I know that marriage is a two-way street, and there are probably a BUNCH of things your man really needs to start doing differently for your marriage to feel peaceful. But since he's not reading this, and probably you are, I'm just going to focus on "our" half of the equation. The part we have control over.

 

Here are some good seeds that you could plant today.

 

• Pleasant words. Are you complain-y? Gripey? Negative? Sarcastic? Wonder why he doesn't enjoy conversation? Really, ALL of us should listen to ourselves sometime. We might be surprised at how negative we sound. Make a point to be positive and affirming.

 

• A respectful attitude. Do you criticize the way he diapers the baby? Chews his food? Doesn't assert himself at work? Respect for your man means that you can let him do things his way without having to nit-pick. It means you can disagree without belittling, nagging, or criticizing. Be an encourager, not a criticizer.

 

 

• A listening ear. My husband loves all things science-y, and he loves to talk to me about it. Now, I like science and all, but I also like Pinterest and stuff. But mostly, I like that he talks to me...so I've learned to really enjoy the things HE enjoys. And guess what...he listens when I talk about Pinterest. So...listening is a good seed.

 

• Saying yes. Yup. To that. Look, fourteen minutes in the bedroom can go a long, long way toward a peaceful, easy feeling. Get over it. Go have fun.

 

• Ask. Sometimes we don't want to know the answer to: "What's bothering you?" or "What can I do to help you today?" or "How do you feel about that?" But asking open-ended questions validates the other person. Now, the tricky part: don't get defensive when you hear the answer.

 

• Be Nice. We often treat our co-workers and friends better than we treat the person we are married to. But I'm convinced that simply BEING NICE is incredibly powerful! Who can resist someone who is just NICE to them? Even when (maybe especially when) it's undeserved. Resist the temptation to keep score...and commit to small kindnesses every single day.

 

You know, none of these seeds involve deep counseling or expensive therapy. They are all FREE. And they work wonders, even in the worst of situations.

Maybe your marriage is feeling pretty rotten today. I don't, in any way, want to make light of a marriage that is hurting, or suggest that your problems will disappear in six magical steps.

But I do want to encourage you to do what you can - today - to work on the things that YOU can work on. I believe that God is big enough to somehow, some way help him to work on the things HE needs to work on. You need to get healthy and strong, and BE the kind of woman you know you can be.

Sometimes simply changing your focus can be just the ignition to start something good in motion.

Plant seeds today. Cultivate good things. Be willing to do some work and tend your garden...in due season you will reap.

I'm praying for your marriage today. Feel free to email me or leave a comment - no details are necessary - so I'll know your name when I pray.

Which seeds will YOU plant??

When You're Not Enough

 

I'm the messy one.

I'm the one who "eyeballs" work projects and comes up with a number.

I measure by squinting one eye and holding up a thumb.

My housekeeping strategy is to stack things for later.

I fly by the seat of my pants.

 

Guess what kind of guy I'm married to/work with/raise kids with?

 

Yep. A neatnik.

One who creates spreadsheets with cost analyses.

One who measures three times, to the millimeter.

One who feels loved when I clean the windows.

One who likes all horizontal surfaces to be stack-free.

A planner.

 

You might just laugh and say "opposites attract." Or you might understand when I confess that much of the time, I feel "not enough."

Don't get me wrong, it's not my husband's fault I feel that way. He is kind and understanding. We are simply wired differently. But when things go wrong, say on a work project that runs long or costs more than anticipated, it's usually because *somebody* *forgot* to check details, or eyeballed instead of measured. Possibly didn't think things through completely. Likely overcommitted. Probably underestimated.

I won't say who it is. But she's curled up in the fetal position with a blankie over her head.

When crises like this happen, my vision starts acting up. It gets all blurry and weird, and something similar to panic wells up and I can't think straight. My head starts pounding and I hear myself saying "Rachel, you are so stupid! Stupid, stupid!"

But wait! There's more! I'm not done berating!

"You are inadequate."

"You're a failure."

"You are not good enough for this."

"You are not enough."

 I slip into a funk. My self-talk spirals downward.

Feeling Not Enough at work is one thing. But it's a feeling that lops on over into marriage. It bubbles up in parenting. It simmers in my spiritual life. Whispers fill my head....."Rachel, you are not enough."

Big sigh.

 

I'm learning something, though.

 

I'm learning that in those moments that I am not enough, it's okay. Guess what, it's actually all right.

Because I'm not supposed to be enough.

See, when you're always enough, always on top of things, always thinking ahead, always have the right answer, always do the right thing, you don't need anyone.

 

You don't need any other person, and you don't need the ONE who is always enough.

 

There is something in me that wants to be self-sufficient and well, perfect. Which is ridiculous, really. No one can be perfect. You'll always have a crack in your armor, a limp in your gait, a hole in your heart, a problem that needs solving. You'll always stick your foot in your mouth, or let someone down when you don't mean to. You'll disappoint people you love. You'll forget to wash the windows for like, a year. Maybe two.

But that's where humility comes in. Being honest about your shortcomings, instead of getting defensive. Saying, "I'm sorry," and not giving excuses.

Asking forgiveness.

And forgiving yourself. Accepting that in your moment of weakness, at your point of failure, THAT is where God can step in and give you strength. He can answer prayer and give wisdom. He can move mountains. He can fill all those gaps, and do what you cannot do alone.

He can renew, restore and revive.

God gives us what we need so that we can be enough - in HIM. 

We were never meant to go it alone. We were never meant to be perfect and have all our ducks in a row, no matter how hard we try. We fall so He can pick us up. We fail so He can show Himself strong.

We falter so he can carry us.

 

When you are not enough, remember that HE IS.

 

He makes all grace abound toward you. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what you can ask or think. His mercies are new every morning. His faithfulness is great. His love is unceasing. His wisdom, unsearchable. His kindness covers all.

 

Wherever you are today, know that you aren't supposed to be enough.

 

Because HE. IS.

 

What are you struggling with? I'm praying for you today,

Rachel Anne

2 Cor. 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

 

 

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Skip the Hype & Get to the Heart of Valentines Day

 

Hey, let me ask you: When did holidays and events get so over-done? Generally speaking, I mean. And I ask this in the gentlest of tones.

 

Remember when Halloween was when you dressed as a hobo *again* because you could easily make a costume out of your old clothes? Your mom might put a jack-o-lantern on the porch, but nobody decorated much before the last minute. Now, Halloween decorations and elaborate costumes are trotted out in July in the stores...so you have enough time to prepare.

Birthdays. Please, mamas, please don't tell me you've taken your six year old to a hotel for a weekend of extravagance. Eight year old girls get a spa day, teenagers get elaborate events. Sweet sixteens that are crazy. I kinda miss the backyard parties and lumpy homemade cakes.

Christmas. I can't even. 

I've seen parents who rented a stretch Hummer to pick up their middle-schooler to celebrate the last day of school. 

Party buses and hotels for Prom nights. Weddings that cost $100,000. Marriage proposals in hot-air balloons, followed by white horse-drawn carriages. Couples leaving their wedding receptions via helicopter.

 

 

My question is always: where do you go from there?

 

 

If you're treating your child to a five star restaurant at age six, what will he expect when he is fourteen? If you give a BMW to a 16 year old as a first car, what will she want when she graduates college?

 

I feel like we are setting our kids, and ourselves, up for disappointment in life. 

 

 

Which brings me to Valentine's day.

 

 

How are you preparing your children's expectations for what love looks like?

 

 

Are you making this such an extravagant holiday that they will be disappointed for the rest of their lives when the person they marry can only afford a small heart shaped box of Stover's and a card? (Which is PLENTY GOOD, by the way.)

 

Are you filling the house with such Pinterest awesomeness that they will feel like failures if they forget a centerpiece for the table, a wreath for the door, garland across the fireplace and Sweet Tarts strewn in their beds?

 

And have you (as I have) fallen prey to the commercials and blogs that set us up to expect our husbands to sweep in and be ah-may-zing for Valentine's Day?

 

 

People, we've got to take control of things here.

 

 

Take things down a notch, or five.

 

Let's lower our expectations for Valentine's Day - and every other event and holiday - so we can focus on what really matters:

 

 

Love. Friendship. Warmth. Caring. Kindness.

 

 

 

Let's pinky-swear that we will simply say, "I love you," to the people who matter to us...and not expect them to blow us away with their gestures of romance and love. Let's teach our children to enjoy the holiday in a special way, without setting an impossible standard for them to replicate as adults. Let's give our husbands some grace on this pressure-filled day.

 

 

Let's spread the Valentine love throughout the year.

 

 

Listen, I'm the biggest, mushiest, blubberiest sucker for "all things romantic" in the world. I'm not, for anything, saying "don't celebrate!" I LOVE a good holiday, and I love a good holiday that centers around chocolate. There is nothing better!

 

I'm simply saying, skip the hype. Find the heart of your child, and the heart of your mate, and speak to those. Spend some time at the dinner table, doing a Round Robin valentine. Read an extra story to your toddler. Take your lingerie out of mothballs for an after-the-kids-are-asleep event. Let your husband know if you'd like some flowers - there is no shame in letting him see what's in your heart. Stop guessing and just LOVE.

 

And accept that love shouldn't have the bitter aftertaste of credit card bills and everyday life that doesn't measure up.

 

 

Today, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

 

 

 

I hope you can skip the hype, and simply savor the heart.

 

I hope you feel loved and cared for. I love YOU for stopping by my blog today, and for being part of my life. I love that we've found each other through our mutual love of our homes and families. And I love that you let me share what's on my heart.

 

You are special. You are loved.

 

Please go have something chocolate to eat - and I will, too! We shall celebrate love and friendship, warmth, caring and kindness today. Together.

 

Rachel Anne

 

 

PS I'd love to send you my newsletter...here's the sign up form:

2 Questions that will Transform Your Relationships

I recently heard a terrific quote:

 

"A good question is better than a good answer,

because a good answer means the end of the conversation."

 

I'll bet each of us knows someone who is so busy talking that they never pause to listen to what you have to say. It's so frustrating. And I find that I dread conversations with those people because I feel... superfluous. I've vowed to not be "that person," who is only interested in their own opinion, but to be a good listener instead. 

Because listening makes people feel valued. Validated. Less lonely. These are good things, people. These are things I want the people around me to feel. Me talking and talking does not make this happen. I've got a long way to go, but I'm working on it.

I've vowed to ask good questions. 

And I've found that two simple questions are transforming my conversations. They immediately put a sparkle into the other person's eye, and inspire thoughtful interaction.

Here they are:

 

1. "What do you think?"

How about, instead of blurting out your strong opinion about, say, the moral decay in our society, you ask what the other person thinks first? You might be surprised to learn a nuance or viewpoint that your monologue would have shut down, had you gone first.

The next time your child asks, "why is the sky blue?" try to turn it around. 

"Why do YOU think it's blue?" You might be charmed by an answer that's way better than your technical explanation of the atmosphere, and be engaged in a memorable conversation you might have otherwise missed.

 

Save your opinion for after the other person has answered...and then cut it in half. Or maybe don't even give it. Sometimes your "right" opinion feels like you've "one upped" the other person, which is death to a relationship. Leave a conversation open ended, that you can come back to later to discuss.

 

2. "How do you feel about that?"

This is not the same question as #1, although they are similar. The first has to do with the mind: opinions, information, the exchange of ideas. This has to do with the heart.

Tread carefully.

Feelings are tender things. And they should be handled with the utmost care. Give time to listen and reflect on the priceless gift being given to you - a glimpse into a person's soul.

This is a question we don't really like to ask our husbands, because we don't always want to know the answer. We don't want to hear words like, "afraid, scared, hurt, anxious, doubting." But they are the very words he might need to say - without receiving judgment from you. And perhaps if you ask it, without judging the answer, you'll receive the same consideration in return.

Your children, your friends, your co-workers, everyone around you wants to be asked these two simple questions. In our own need to be seen and heard, we often plow right past people who have value, who need validation, who feel lonely. Simply being asked makes all the difference in the world.

And be sure to listen to the answers.

 

Today's Small Thing is to ask these two powerful questions. 

 

They will transform your conversations and your relationships. I promise.

I'd LOVE to be a fly on the wall and hear what happens today. Will you please let us know??

Love in the Little Ways

 

I'm so grateful for my man, Tom.  We've been through a whole lot....in a way, we grew up together, since we were practically children when we married.  I was 19 and he was a dashing 22. 

Quiet, sweet, understated and kind, this man is my best friend and I am so blessed. And now that our kids decided to leave us, we are enjoying a second honeymoon of sorts. Nobody told me about this part...it's been a terrific surprise. But that is a sidenote.

This morning, Tom brought me coffee. It is a simple gesture that means a lot to me because he doesn't touch the stuff himself. He never thinks about going to Starbucks, or having a cup of coffee with a friend, or waking up with a hot cup of joe. That's why, when he goes downstairs and pours just the right amount of cream and adds the coffee and brings it upstairs to me, I feel loved.

Love happens in little ways.

During Valentines week, we tend to think of the big moments: the flowers, candy, fireworks, romantic dinners.....all very grand, but they often have little to do with what a lasting relationship is made of. 

A lasting relationship - in marriage and friendship - is about the kindnesses. The small acts of thoughtfulness that go into each day.

 

Today's Small Thing is to do a special act of kindness.

 

Sometimes, simply asking, "Can I get you anything?" can make someone's day. How often my husband has looked at me with appreciation for a glass of water, or a second helping of mashed potatoes, or the remote control.

Maybe you could ask, "Is there anything I can do for you today?" My husband always has a mile-long To Do list and loves it when I take something off of it.

Some people call an act of kindness "paying it forward," and I like that saying.  Maybe that's what we are doing today. It's just that we usually think of paying it forward to a stranger, when there are people right under our noses who could use a small pick-me-up. 

Children are often the most excited about being the recipients of an act of kindness, because even they can sense when someone is going out of their way to do something nice. And they love to be part of a secret plan to make someone else happy - just ask them!

 

Today, take a moment to perform a small act of kindness toward a family member, co-worker, husband or friend. Bring Sanctuary to another person by making them feel loved.

What small thing can you do for someone? What speaks love to them?

Why the Tone of Your Voice Matters

 

I was sitting in the salon, getting my hair done, when my stylist's phone rang.

"Hullo." She was clearly not happy to be speaking to the other person. She frowned.

"Yup." The conversation from this end was monosyllabic, monotone answers - and I thought maybe somebody had died or something.

She hung up without a goodbye, and I was worried about her.

"Everything OK?" I didn't want to pry, but it sounded so serious.

"Oh! Everything's fine. That was my fiance!" She smiled and started telling me about her wedding plans...but by now I was worried about her poor fiance. If that's how excited she was to talk with him now, I could only imagine what their conversations would be like in five years...or ten. I couldn't imagine that he felt much love coming his way, simply from the tone of her voice.

 

Most of us know that we can set the "thermostat" of our homes - the level of joy and sanctuary - by our own attitudes. When mama chooses to be joyful, it's pretty amazing how that feeling spreads.

But the tone of your speaking voice is another powerful tool for creating an atmosphere of love, joy and belonging. It's not just the words you say - it's HOW you say them that matters.

 

Here are five ways to change your tone:

 

1. Pay attention to how you emphasize your words.

For instance:

"I love you." Mumbled quickly, it's a sweet thing to say.

"I LOVE you." Puts the emphasis on the action of love. OH MY HEART! It's overflowing!

"I love YOU." Puts the emphasis on the person who is the object of the love. YOU! YOU SPECIAL, WONDERFUL YOU!!!

Hey, did you say the above sentences out loud? I did...just to try it out. Go ahead and try it, too. We'll wait.

 

2. Smile while you speak.

Now try saying those same sentences above WHILE SMILING.

Speaking while smiling changes the sound of the words ever so slightly. Can you hear it? Studies show that people can hear a smile over the phone, or on a commercial voice-over. A smile softens your tone immediately, and makes you slow down in your diction. It is irresistable to the hearer, and makes the listener receptive to your message.

Hey. Smile when you say hello to your husband on the phone. Act like you're happy to talk to him. Just saying.

 

3. Turn down the volume.

Are you shouting to your kids/spouse from the next room? Um, hate to say this, but you sound shrill. Be honest: Have you ever heard a woman shout attractively? Me neither. Plus you have to screw up your face and put your hands on your hips....not how you want to be remembered.

Make a habit of speaking face to face whenever possible. Don't let your kids/spouse shout to you from the other room...make them physically come and speak to you. And give them the same consideration by taking your little legs and walking to where they are.

This is how you build respect, and a tone of honor.

 

4. Take a deep breath first.

Before you launch into your mom-monologue or your rant or your scolding...take a breath. Choose your words. Cut them in half. Say them kindly. Pausing will never hurt your relationship. Lashing out with "how you really feel" cannot be taken back, and those harsh words may wound for a lifetime.

Ask for a time out, if you know you're going to explode. Walk away and say a prayer. I know this is hard, but your children need your words to be life-giving and affirming, even in discipline. You can say something like, "Please go to your room and wait. Mommy is too angry right now to talk. I'll be there in 15 minutes and we'll discuss it then." It's OK for your kids to see you angry, but it's not good for them to bear the brunt of your unbridled words. 

Ps. 141:3 Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.

 

5. Talk less.

"My kids don't listen to me," is a common complaint from moms. And, "My husband doesn't listen to me," is one as well.

Maybe, perhaps, could be.... they've tuned you out. If you are taking ten sentences to say what could be said in two, they've tuned out eight of them. Unfortunately, they may have inadvertently tuned out the most important ones. Darn it! 

Most of us simply talk too much. And sometimes our message just gets lost in all that verbiage. We think we are making it better and clearer by talking more...but actually the opposite is true. Learn to state things clearly and succinctly. You really don't have to say every single word that comes into your head.

 

Today's Small Thing is to change your tone.

 

Let the tone of your voice reflect the love you have for the people around you. Use the five tips above to radically change your home, without doing one other thing. You will be amazed at how conflicts can be diffused, attitudes can be changed, and the atmosphere can lift - simply by altering your tone.

 

Is this a challenge for you? Do you have trouble with any of these? What changes do you see when you pay attention to the tone of your voice?