I'm the messy one.
I'm the one who "eyeballs" work projects and comes up with a number.
I measure by squinting one eye and holding up a thumb.
My housekeeping strategy is to stack things for later.
I fly by the seat of my pants.
Guess what kind of guy I'm married to/work with/raise kids with?
Yep. A neatnik.
One who creates spreadsheets with cost analyses.
One who measures three times, to the millimeter.
One who feels loved when I clean the windows.
One who likes all horizontal surfaces to be stack-free.
You might just laugh and say "opposites attract." Or you might understand when I confess that much of the time, I feel "not enough."
Don't get me wrong, it's not my husband's fault I feel that way. He is kind and understanding. We are simply wired differently. But when things go wrong, say on a work project that runs long or costs more than anticipated, it's usually because *somebody* *forgot* to check details, or eyeballed instead of measured. Possibly didn't think things through completely. Likely overcommitted. Probably underestimated.
I won't say who it is. But she's curled up in the fetal position with a blankie over her head.
When crises like this happen, my vision starts acting up. It gets all blurry and weird, and something similar to panic wells up and I can't think straight. My head starts pounding and I hear myself saying "Rachel, you are so stupid! Stupid, stupid!"
But wait! There's more! I'm not done berating!
"You are inadequate."
"You're a failure."
"You are not good enough for this."
"You are not enough."
I slip into a funk. My self-talk spirals downward.
Feeling Not Enough at work is one thing. But it's a feeling that lops on over into marriage. It bubbles up in parenting. It simmers in my spiritual life. Whispers fill my head....."Rachel, you are not enough."
I'm learning something, though.
I'm learning that in those moments that I am not enough, it's okay. Guess what, it's actually all right.
Because I'm not supposed to be enough.
See, when you're always enough, always on top of things, always thinking ahead, always have the right answer, always do the right thing, you don't need anyone.
You don't need any other person, and you don't need the ONE who is always enough.
There is something in me that wants to be self-sufficient and well, perfect. Which is ridiculous, really. No one can be perfect. You'll always have a crack in your armor, a limp in your gait, a hole in your heart, a problem that needs solving. You'll always stick your foot in your mouth, or let someone down when you don't mean to. You'll disappoint people you love. You'll forget to wash the windows for like, a year. Maybe two.
But that's where humility comes in. Being honest about your shortcomings, instead of getting defensive. Saying, "I'm sorry," and not giving excuses.
And forgiving yourself. Accepting that in your moment of weakness, at your point of failure, THAT is where God can step in and give you strength. He can answer prayer and give wisdom. He can move mountains. He can fill all those gaps, and do what you cannot do alone.
He can renew, restore and revive.
God gives us what we need so that we can be enough - in HIM.
We were never meant to go it alone. We were never meant to be perfect and have all our ducks in a row, no matter how hard we try. We fall so He can pick us up. We fail so He can show Himself strong.
We falter so he can carry us.
When you are not enough, remember that HE IS.
He makes all grace abound toward you. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what you can ask or think. His mercies are new every morning. His faithfulness is great. His love is unceasing. His wisdom, unsearchable. His kindness covers all.
Wherever you are today, know that you aren't supposed to be enough.
Because HE. IS.
What are you struggling with? I'm praying for you today,
2 Cor. 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
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