I fought this month's verse almost as much as the Quarry verse, maybe because it's so personal. But in the end, I decided that since this blog is about sharing where I'm at, and because I've never pretended to have it all together, I realized I should go ahead and share my spiritual journey. Even if it's not that pretty.
A couple of months ago, I found myself at home late at night, completely alone. It was one of those times when you can really CRY over something and not feel embarrassed or inhibited. And I was bawling my eyes out over our desperate business crisis: the cancellation of several projects had left us with no income and nothing on the immediate horizon. It had caught us so unaware, so unprepared, and I was in a state of panic and anger and frustration. Also, terror played a minor yet significant role.
I could not believe that we'd worked this hard, this long, only to fail. Where was the justice in all this? For someone who avoids crying, these cries came from the depths of my toes, and these were not the pretty, gentle tears of mild disappointment. Oh no, these were torrents of bottled up emotion.
I don't know how long I was sobbing, but finally, in sheer desperation, I grabbed my Bible. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in this state, so I might as well read something.
I opened the Book and I could barely see through my tears as my eyes fell on Micah 4:9. The words shot right off of the page.
"Why do you now cry aloud?"
Oh, I wish I could act this out for you because I literally choked on my sob. Waaah-huh? I wiped my face and blinked my eyes and re-read it:
"Why do you now cry aloud?"
I froze and looked around the room, moving only my eyes. I knew.
God had showed up to speak to me in that moment.
Then I read the next line:
"Have. You. No. King?"
I can only describe the next moment as a rush of answers, flooding me like a river. Exposed, humbled, ashamed, I could only close my eyes and confess that I have been living like I have no King. No ruler. No one to watch over or care for me. I've been acting like a nomad, wandering about, making my own decisions, and becoming a warlord of my own kingdom.
In truth, I've set my own self up on the throne of my heart. I've expected provision to come by my own hand. I've cherished my own self above the King of kings. I've put my own thoughts, my own desires, my own ambitions first. And this had nothing, and everything, to with our financial struggle. The question cut through to the heart of the whole matter.
Have you no king?
In that same moment of realization, I knew that Jesus alone should be my King. And that by the very act of confessing it, I was putting Him back on the throne of my life.
But it hit me that I didn't know a whole lot about Jesus as King. And that's when I began to meditate on His Kingship. His kingdom. His reign over me. What it means to be in submission to a King. I've whispered "Jesus, YOU are my King," a thousand times in the last few weeks. Jesus, BE my King.
So I've embarked on a journey to discover Him as King, and I wonder if you would join me today? The Christian faith might be new to you, but I want to encourage you to take a small step with me. If you are searching for answers, they can be found in the pages of the Bible and the King who is revealed there.
This month's verse is in the next post. Grab a cup of coffee and read on.