Home Sanctuary

Nature Call #3: Am I Loved?

*NOTE: 7:25 am Had a problem with my links - they are now fixed!

Of all the Nature Calls that tug on our hearts, perhaps the strongest and deepest is the question,

"Am I loved?"

It's a question that echoes through the most private recesses of our very being. 

We need to be loved. Deeply.

And we need to FEEL loved. Meaningfully.

Gary Chapman, in his books about the Five Love Languages, teaches that we actually speak (and understand) specific love languages.  You are probably familiar with this idea, and it's brilliant.  It really revolutionized how we express love within our family, because we started learning how to "speak" each other's language.  In a nutshell, the languages are:

Quality Time: focused attention, sharing, talking, shared activities

Gift-Giving: visual symbols of love

Physical Touch and Affection: hugs, pats, hand-holding, etc.

Words of Affirmation: verbal appreciation, encouragement

Acts of Service: serving in a sacrificial way

It started making sense that one child would feel loved when I would spend time with him (just watching him play!) and another would feel loved when I would help her clean her room.  I know I sure feel loved when my husband washes dishes or fills the gas tank.  It's more than the words, "I love you," it's the actions that speak right to the heart.

There's a 30 second quiz here.  And here's how to spot your child's love language.

When we meet each other's emotional needs, we "fill our tanks."  In our children, we'll see better behavior (gimme a high five on that) and fewer conflicts (five on the side!)  When their tank is full, they are free to think and grow and BE.  The same is true in marriage.  Oh, I love it when we are speakin the same language!

Today's Small Thing is to spend a few minutes considering your child's (and/or spouse's) Love Language.  Does he beam when you help him with one of his chores?  Is she extra sweet when you've given her a lot of hugs?  Do encouraging words light him up?  Take the easy quizzes and then look for ways to speak their language.

Answering your child's question, "Am I loved?" with a resounding "YES!" will give him security and confidence to go out into a world that is often harsh and unforgiving.  He will have an inner strength and courage to face whatever life brings.

It's what we ALL want.  It's what we ALL need.  And it's ours to give and receive.

POINTS:  30 for taking the 30 second quiz

BONUS: 10 for each family member's language you can identify  (if you're single, go with a room-mate, sibling, parent or friend)

EUREKA!!  This would make a great game to play as a family!  Who's on??

And what's YOUR Love Language?

Song of the Day: Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion

Nature Call #2: Am I Significant?

Don't you love knowing that when you are playing with play-dough or throwing snowballs with your child, you aren't just "wasting time" but you are answering his need to belong?  When children start pestering you to pay attention to them, that's really their heart speaking.

But there's another Question on their hearts that they need an answer for.  It is:

"Am I significant?"

Some of us are still asking that question.  It means "Do I matter?  What is my place in the world?  Do I have value?" The question of significance goes way down deep in our souls.

Your home is the best place to start answering that question.  You can do that for your children by providing opportunities to learn important life skills and develop character. 

That's a fancy way of saying, give them responsibilities and help them gain self-esteem.

OH YEAH!  Chores! Responsibilities!  Feeling good!

Trying to break this "Nature Call" down into one Small Thing is like trying to eat an elephant in one sitting.  So while you think about this concept as a whole, let's just take one little bite of it for today.

Character development and self-esteem come from learning to contribute to your family's operation.  In other words, it's not good for Junior to sit on his rear in front of the TV while you slave away with all the household responsibilities. 

Giving children manageable and age-appropriate chores helps them realize their significance to your family, and eventually to the bigger world.

Your Small Thing today is NOT to create an Excel spreadsheet with a complicated chore chart for your kids.  We can do that some other time.  Today, I want you to think of ONE THING that your child could begin to master, and then imagine how you might help him work toward it.  This could be a chore, but it could also be a life skill, like tying shoes, or riding a bike, or loading a wash machine. 

How can you encourage him to learn this skill?  By making it as do-able and pleasurable as possible.

Finding Significance in life is a gift.  It happens when someone patiently encourages you again and again to keep trying, keep working, keep putting effort into it.  As a parent, it is one of the most exasperating and frustrating experiences.  But it is also one of the most exhilarating.

Because when you're helping your child answer one of his Nature Calls, you're also answering your own. 

POINTS: 30 for identifying a skill/chore to master (perhaps consult with your child on this)

BONUS: 10 for finding a way to encourage it (verbal praise, chart, reward, etc.)

40 points max, even if you have a boatload of kids....

If your children aren't old enough for "life skills" (i.e. still working on that first tooth) or if they are grown, encourage someone you know who is significant in your life by telling them how they've impacted you.  And hey, take 30 points for sharing some Home Sanctuary Love!

Tell us about it!  I LOVE reading what you girls are doing!!!

Song of the Day: Who am I, Casting Crowns

Nature Call #1: Where Do I Belong?

 

 

There are three "Nature Calls" that are indelibly printed on our souls.  They are in the form of questions that we begin asking early in life.  If you have children, they are already asking you these questions, but often in ways we don't recognize.  Creating a Home Sanctuary is all about answering those deep questions of the heart for each family member.  These answers are the foundation that makes your home "feel good."

The first important Question that must be answered is this:

"Where do I belong?"

Your children, your spouse, your loved ones all need to know the answer:

"You belong right here.  You belong to this family.  You belong to me."

That's a powerful, wonderful thought. One really really simple way to create a sense of belonging is by getting to know each other deeply.  See, I have a special bond with the people who know me best, those who have taken the time to see the real me. And because I know how much my husband loves it when I clean the garage or ask him about hockey, his sense of belonging goes off the chart when I do those things. My son knows he belongs when I discuss airplanes with him or listen to some new music he's found.

But there's another way to express belonging, and that's Today's Small Thing.  It's so easy that its significance is often overlooked.

A deep sense of belonging happens when you share experiences and make memories together.  And I'm not talking about ski trips or visits to Disney World. 

I'm talking about the daily moments that take much less effort, but reap far greater rewards. 

It's the popcorn and movies on the couch. 

It's the board games. 

The dish washing. 

The living room wrestling matches.

The bed time stories.

It's the things you do together that are unique to your family.

Making memories is less about creating photo-ops and more about building a life which, when reflected upon, gives you that warm feeling of belonging to something special.  The life you make will never be picture-perfect, but when you've made it together, well. 

You really have something there.

Today's Small Thing:  Do something with someone you love...to build a library of good memories.  Share a story, split a cookie, play a game.  You choose! Let them know how glad you are that they belong to you.

POINTS: 40

Then let us know what you're doing!  After all, we Company Girls belong to each other.

Can you think of other ways to express belonging?  Share your ideas, too!

Song of the Day: You Belong to Me, Jason Wade (Lifehouse)

Baby Mine

My son, Grayson, is now driving himself to hockey practice - on busy Dallas freeways - and everywhere else he needs to go. I hope you don't mind this reprise from a couple years ago...because it's still a good one.

My "Baby"

When my children were small, it seemed like they always saved their worst behavior for when things got really busy.  Right when I was rushing around, trying to get out the door or work on a project, someone would start an altercation that resulted in a lot of crying and finger pointing.  Which would make someone fall down and hit their head and cry even harder.

And I remember the days of walking around with a child stuck to my leg like a glue.  It might have been good exercise, but goodness!  It's hard to move with a dead weight hanging on for dear life.

I was always trying to do "just one more thing" before sitting down to read a story, or watch a princess movie or applaud some new incredible trick that someone came up with, like putting a straw in a tooth-gap or bending their fingers into claws.

Queen of the "Mmmmm-hhmmmm, that's nice," I figured out ways to keep them out of my hair for a "few more minutes" by responding without actually responding. Moms HAVE to do this, or they will never get anything done.  But Today's Small Thing is to set aside what you are doing for a few minutes and focus on your child.  If you have more than one at home, you can pick one who could use some "Mommy" attention, or dole it out as you wish.

See, people always tell you to enjoy the time you have with little ones.  Oh, sure, when they are blubbering about their socks wrinkling in their shoes, or whining about getting less juice than brother, you'd like to enjoy some time AWAY from them.

But the day does come when you will realize that you can't remember the last tantrum, or the last time you lifted someone into a booster seat or the last time you got to snuggle under a soft blanket with a sleepy child and a teddy bear. Your sippy cups will get dusty in a cupboard and you'll pull them out only occasionally, when someone visits you with a toddler. You'll enter your child's bedroom and wonder how he got to be so big in that bed.

You'll realize that the best moments came when you least expected them, and when they were least convenient.  Sometimes they came when someone cried their head off until you rocked them, or simply sat on the edge of a bed and listened to her talk about which Princess Pony she liked best.

In the middle of the hustle and bustle, take a few minutes to enjoy your "baby," no matter how old he or she is.  I'm going to make a point to talk about Flight Sim Add-ons with my 16 year old "baby" and admire those dimples that are more like creases in his cheeks. I've loved that boy so long, I know every inch of his face.  I treasure him.

These are easy points today.  Organizing and cleaning and cooking can wait for a few minutes while you breathe in the goodness, naughtiness and wonder of your baby.  Today will only come once, so savor a moment of sweetness while you can.

POINTS: 40 for spending some time with your "baby."

If your babies are all grow'd up and gone, you can earn your points by calling or emailing instead. Even grown babies need their mama's love. Lauren and Meghan, I'm calling you girls today.

Song of the Day: Baby Mine, Alison Krauss - so sweet!! Reminds me of Dumbo...

Heart Stealer

I'm breaking my vow of blog silence because I miss my son and I can't help it.

Grayson left for a father-son fishing trip into the hinterlands of Minnesota, to be followed by two weeks of hockey camp. My two "boys" are in hog heaven, and ok, I admit that I'm thoroughly enjoying a few days of solitude. 

Just before he left, we sat on the couch, snapped some phone photos and talked about the summer. It's only mid-July, but it feels like it's almost over. After camp, there will be the inevitable Cramming of the Summer Reading and Other Assignments that somehow didn't get started done, the back to school shopping, and the final swimming parties with friends. Squeeze in a haircut, dates with his girlfriend and taking the driving test we didn't have time for, and that's pretty much it.

And as hard as I'm trying not to imagine an invisible clock ticking in my head, it's tough not to think about this being his second-to-last summer home.  Grayson will be a junior this year. And then a senior. And then....I can't say the words because I have a lump in my throat.

   

That boy.

I've always thought of him as my Gift. He stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on him. I didn't mean to poke him with a diaper pin that time when he was a baby, but I somehow gave him an inch long scar from it on his belly. He says I scarred him for life.

I guess we're even then. Reserved and smart, Gray is one of those kids who is good at a lot of things. He can draw and paint better than me, he knows all about every kind of airplane (and flies them on his flight simulator), understands low pressure systems in the atmosphere, calculus equations and the hidden symbolism on LOST. He knows fishing lures and how to shoot a shotgun, knows how to tie knots and how to climb trees. He knows how to play hockey and golf, and he knows how to sleep in - even with the sun shining right onto his eyelids.

And he sure knows how to make me laugh.

Whether he is wrestling with me over a new tub of ice cream to be "First to Dig In" (a family tradition), showing me a dance move or delivering a clever line, I'm hopelessly entertained by him.

I've come to appreciate teenage humor's reliance on jokes about bodily functions because of him. A well-placed fart joke is about as funny as it comes when you're 16, and I'd be foolish to miss out on half the laughs in an effort to refine him into boring gentility before his time.  Rest assured, I only snicker quietly, so as not to give complete endorsement.

 

I often think about how we used to stop the car to watch bulldozers and cranes at construction sites. And how exciting it was when we got stuck at railroad crossings and the conductor would acknowledge us with his train whistle.  Life just didn't get much better than that. This was the kid who liked for me to sit for hours on end and simply watch him play. He loved my company and wanted me to be with him every moment of the day. He was stuck to my hip like a barnacle for the first four years of his life - and I thought he might never become independent of me. I worried for him.

But I shouldn't have. At 16, Gray is making decisions about his life that really make me proud. He is thinking about college and choosing a degree in aerospace engineering that will be a challenge, to say the least. He brought his Bible to hockey camp, a place not known for having a whole lot of religion, and says he hopes to have a chance to share his faith while he's there.  Grayson is shouldering more responsibility at home, earning his own spending money from a summer job, and is a leader at school. He wears his retainer without being told. 

I can see him working on mastering the attitudes that all teenagers struggle with: honor and respect, security and self-confidence, integrity and courage, maturity and faith.  These are the years that the baton gets passed, and he has left the starting blocks and is sprinting with hand outstretched to grasp it.  You really can't ask for anything more as a parent, and I am so grateful. 

I was invited to go along on the fishing trip, but in the end I jumped at the chance to stay home and get some much-needed projects done.  I don't really have the stomach for catching walleyes for days on end. And in my heart I know that his dad hears the ticking of that clock even louder than I do. Several days filled with rods and reels and guy humor is probably the best thing for both of them right about now.  

So forgive me for getting sentimental like this, but it's one of those times that just kinda snuck up on me.  When I looked at the photos of my boy and I on the couch, I just couldn't help it. Something wonderful is almost over, and even though I know that the future ahead is bright, it still feels sad. Darn it all!

Please pass me some tissues. I think I'm going to cry.

 

Leading the Way

You might have noticed that, for a blog about all things "home," I don't really write that much about parenting. I'm not really sure why that is, but maybe one reason is that my Company Girl readers are not all moms....and I hate to exclude anyone, especially in Small Thing tasks. Everyone has a sink to clean, not everyone has a toddler to wrangle.

But I've loved my role as a mom. Not every single moment of it, but the journey from having my first baby to where I am now, with my last baby a sophomore in high school, has been quite a ride. I sure wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'd like to introduce you to a new friend, Julie, at Day by Day Mom. She has it on her heart to do daily "small things" for moms.  It might be a task or challenge, a word of encouragement, or simply something you might not have thought of yourself. I like what she says on her blog:

"I'm not saying, "together we will raise perfect children", but I am saying, "together we will TRY, by the Grace of God to do better. To love better. To be better. For our kids and for our families."  

Parenting is a long haul, and we need one another to stay encouraged when things seem bleak. And maybe even more importantly, we need to share our triumphs when things go well. If you are looking for a daily dose of help along the way, I hope you'll pop over and see what Julie's got going on.

Today's Small Thing is to lead by example. If your children are at home, find a way to do a task together: instead of saying "go do your homework," sit down and do it with your child. Rather than telling your son to do the dishes, grab a towel and do the job together. Look for a way to come along beside your child and help them accomplish something.

If you don't have a child around, see if you can apply today's Small Thing in your life in some way. Everyone is a leader in one arena or another....we can all use a reminder that leading is more about what we DO, than what we SAY.

POINTS: 40 for leading by example

It just so happens that Priscilla Shirer wrote about leadership today, and my sister Katherine has an excellent post about getting out of a "mommy rut", here.

How will you lead today? Share an example!

Nature Call #3: Am I Loved?

Of all the Nature Calls that tug on our hearts, perhaps the strongest and deepest is the question,

"Am I loved?"

It's a question that echoes through the most private recesses of our very being. 

We need to be loved. Deeply.

And we need to FEEL loved. Meaningfully.

Gary Chapman, in his books about the Five Love Languages, teaches that we actually speak (and understand) specific love languages.  You are probably familiar with this idea, and it's brilliant.  It really revolutionized how we express love within our family, because we started learning how to "speak" each other's language.  In  nutshell, the languages are:

Quality Time: focused attention, sharing, talking, shared activities

Gift-Giving: visual symbols of love

Physical Touch and Affection: hugs, pats, hand-holding, etc.

Words of Affirmation: verbal appreciation, encouragement

Acts of Service: serving in a sacrificial way

It started making sense that one child would feel loved when I would spend time with him (just watching him play!) and another would feel loved when I would help her clean her room.  I know I sure feel loved when my husband washes dishes or fills the gas tank.  It's more than the words, "I love you," it's the actions that speak right to the heart.

There's a 30 second quiz here.  And here's how to spot your child's love language.

When we meet each other's emotional needs, we "fill our tanks."  In our children, we'll see better behavior (gimme a high five on that) and fewer conflicts (five on the side!)  When their tank is full, they are free to think and grow and BE.  The same is true in marriage.  Oh, I love it when we are speakin the same language!

Today's Small Thing is to spend a few minutes considering your child's (and/or spouse's) Love Language.  Does he beam when you help him with one of his chores?  Is she extra sweet when you've given her a lot of hugs?  Do encouraging words light him up?  Take the easy quizzes and then look for ways to speak their language.

Answering your child's question, "Am I loved?" with a resounding "YES!" will give him security and confidence to go out into a world that is often harsh and unforgiving.  He will have an inner strength and courage to face whatever life brings.

It's what we ALL want.  It's what we ALL need.  And it's ours to give and receive.

POINTS:  30 for taking the 30 second quiz

BONUS: 10 for each family member's language you can identify  (if you're single, go with a room-mate, sibling, parent or friend)

EUREKA!!  This would make a great game to play as a family!  Who's on??

And what's YOUR Love Language?

Nature Call #2: Am I Significant?

Don't you love knowing that when you are playing with play-dough or throwing snowballs with your child, you aren't just "wasting time" but you are answering his need to belong?  When children start pestering you to pay attention to them, that's really their heart speaking.

But there's another Question on their hearts that they need an answer for.  It is:

"Am I significant?"

Some of us are still asking that question.  It means "Do I matter?  What is my place in the world?  Do I have value?" The question of significance goes way down deep in our souls.

Your home is the best place to start answering that question.  You can do that for your children by providing opportunities to learn important life skills and character development. 

That's a fancy way of saying give them responsibilities and help them gain self-esteem.

OH YEAH!  Chores! Responsibilities!  Feeling good!

Trying to break this "Nature Call" down into one Small Thing is like trying to eat an elephant in one sitting.  So while you think about this concept as a whole, let's just take one little bite of it for today.

Character development and self-esteem come from learning to contribute to your family's operation.  In other words, it's not good for Junior to sit on his rear in front of the TV while you slave away with all the household responsibilities. 

Giving children manageable and age-appropriate chores helps them realize their significance to your family, and eventually to the bigger world.

Your Small Thing today is NOT to create an Excel spreadsheet with a complicated chore chart for your kids.  We can do that some other time.  Today, I want you to think of ONE THING that your child could begin to master, and then imagine how you might help him work toward it.  This could be a chore, but it could also be a life skill, like tying shoes or riding a bike or loading a wash machine. 

How can you encourage him to learn this skill?  Make it as do-able and pleasurable as possible.

Finding Significance in life is a gift.  It happens when someone patiently encourages you again and again to keep trying, keep working, keep putting effort into it.  As a parent, it is one of the most exasperating and frustrating experiences.  But it is also one of the most exhilarating.

Because when you're helping your child answer one of his Nature Calls, you're also answering your own. 

POINTS: 30 for identifying a skill/chore to master (perhaps consult with your child on this)

BONUS: 10 for finding a way to encourage it (verbal praise, chart, reward, etc.)

40 points max, even if you have a boatload of kids....

If your children aren't old enough for "life skills" (i.e. still working on that first tooth) or if they are grown, encourage someone you know who is significant in your life by telling them how they've impacted you.  And hey, take 30 points for sharing some Home Sanctuary Love!

Tell us about it!  I LOVE reading what you girls are doing!!!

Nature Call #1: Where Do I Belong?

 

There are three "Nature Calls" that are indelibly printed on our souls.  They are in the form of questions that we begin asking early in life.  If you have children, they are already asking you these questions, but often in ways we don't recognize.  Creating a Home Sanctuary is all about answering those deep questions of the heart for each family member.  These answers are the foundation that makes your home "feel good."

There have been a few times that I've touched on the first important Question that must be answered, which is:

"Where do I belong?"

Your children, your spouse, your loved ones all need to know,

"You belong right here.  You belong to this family.  You belong to me."

That's a powerful, powerful thought.  We've done something really simple to create a sense of belonging, and that was to get to know each other better.  See, I have a special bond with the people who know me best, those who have taken the time to see the real me.

But there's another way to express belonging, and that's Today's Small Thing.  It's so easy that its significance is often overlooked.

A deep sense of belonging happens when you share experiences and make memories together.  And I'm not talking about ski trips or visits to Disney World. 

I'm talking about the daily moments that take much less effort, but reap far greater rewards. 

It's the popcorn and movies on the couch. 

It's the board games. 

The dish washing. 

The living room wrestling matches.

The bed time stories.

It's the things you do together that are unique to your family.

Making memories is less about creating photo-ops and more about building a life which, when reflected upon, gives you that warm feeling of belonging to something special.  The life you make will never be picture-perfect, but when you've made it together, well. 

You really have something there.

Today's Small Thing:  Do something with someone you love...to build a library of good memories.  Share a story, split a cookie, play a game.  You choose! Let them know how glad you are that they belong to you.

POINTS: 40

Then let us know what you're doing!  After all, we Company Girls belong to each other.

Can you think of other ways to express belonging?  Share your ideas, too!

God is Still Writing My Story

If certain years were given chapter titles, I would call my 2003 "The Year of Tears."

Why am I telling you about 2003 when it is almost 2009?  Because everything that happened that year has everything to do with what will happen this year.  Let me explain:

2003 was going to be one of those milestone years. 

I was turning 40.  And I just knew that somehow there were some good changes ahead.  I was so ready for good things to happen. My children were older: 9, 14 and 16.  We'd been working hard in our business and I was tired.  I'd loved the "stay at home" years but was willingly juggling a new career to help keep our family afloat financially, and I was looking for a different avenue to magically appear.

The first tears fell when my sister called to tell me that she was expecting her 5th baby.  I couldn't understand why I got so emotional over the news, except that I suddenly realized that those "baby" days were over for me.  I didn't expect to grieve it, but it felt like something had just... slipped away.  In the midst of working and raising kids and living, too many years had gone by to think about more children and it made me wistful for those wonder years.

But no wonder why I was so emotional:  You see, I didn't know it right then, but I was pregnant, too.

The next tears came when I took my third home pregnancy test because I didn't believe the positive results of the first two.  OK, yeah.  I'd been sad about not getting to have any more babies, but not nearly as sad as I was to find out that I would be 40 and having one, 10 years after my youngest child. My husband and I sat in stunned silence that first afternoon and then went to Applebees and talked through our tears.  This isn't what we planned.  This isn't what we wanted.  We certainly could not afford it. We were going to look like grandparents instead of parents. What would people think? My horror was complete.

But in the midst of my worry, I felt the words "this child will be my delight," just drop into my heart as I drove one day.  The fog started lifting.

As we settled into the idea of having a "caboose" baby, we started to embrace it.  It really didn't take long to start getting excited.  I was due within days of my sister AND my sister-in-law!  Three babies were coming at the same time!  We surprised my mother with three phone calls on Mother's Day, each of us telling her our news.  It was incredibly fun.

I'll never forget trying on maternity clothes with my teenage daughters helping me pull things over my head in a tiny dressing room.  We laughed at the absurdity and I closed my eyes to capture the wonder of a new baby and the beauty of my almost grown girls.  Heavenly.

But everything changed in an instant when, on a spur of the moment trip to Blockbuster with my son, we were hit in a head-on collision by a distracted driver.  The car was totaled, but other than bumps and bruises, we felt fortunate to walk away.  A quick trip to my midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat reassured us that the baby was fine.  I fell more and more in love with this baby and could hardly believe the blessing we were going to have.

I was so excited about the next appointment with my midwife!  It was scheduled several weeks after the accident, and I brought Grayson and Lauren along so that they would be able to hear the baby's heartbeat.

As the midwife moved the Doppler around my abdomen, she said maybe the placenta was in the way because she could not pick up the heartbeat.  I felt my own heart start beating faster, but she seemed so calm as she sent me to the Doctor's office nearby to get a sonogram, that it MUST be alright.  Please, be alright. Please, God.

We waited forever in that waiting room.  I mentally denied that anything could be wrong, but my daughter called my husband and told him to come and meet us.

Finally, I was led to the exam room and the sonogram confirmed my worst fear. I will always remember seeing the lifeless little form on that dark screen. Tears fell like torrents from both my husband and I as we clung to each other. The baby had died weeks earlier from an abruption of the placenta as a result the accident, and we hadn't known it. It must have died right after my visit to the midwife.

I won't describe the awfulness of going through an induced labor, when you know that at the end of all the pain there will be no baby to hold. Or the despair of having your milk come in when there is no infant to nurse. The sorrow is more than a person can take.  I wanted to wake up and have it all be over, but I had to live through each of those days with a giant weight on my heart.

We had a little boy, Collin Joseph, on August 8. There was a funeral in the rain and a very tiny box that was put into the ground.  And more tears.

The approaching holidays put new dread into my heart.  The thought of seeing my sister and sister-in-law, with their billowing stomachs made us decide to not join our family for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  It would be too awkward for them AND us. Somehow we made it through the holidays and the births of their beautiful little ones.

And this is the part that has always made it hard for me to share this story, because it is so easy to sound trite.  It is tempting to package it up and wrap it all up with a tidy bow, even though the healing has been anything but tidy. I know that God was there for us, and He comforted us in unexpected and wonderful ways. But there was also deep, deep sorrow.  Tears that would come at the oddest moments. Anger and despair. Questioning and loneliness.  Trying to understand why something so wonderful could appear so unexpectedly...and then be taken so suddenly.  Pangs over what we missed and simultaneous relief that our parenting journey was nearing an end.

I wish I could say that our faith soared in the midst of it all.  Instead, I can only say that we experienced God's grace in sorrow, and His strength in weakness.  We experienced what it was like to know that our friends and family shed tears with us. We knew the "right" answers about all things working together for good, and we did our best to focus on our blessings.  But my demands for answers came back empty.  It was as if the Lord said, "why do you NEED to know why?  Will it make any difference? You'll have to trust me just the same."  Strangely, I found comfort in that.

The years have gone by.  Our nieces are now 5 years old.  Our two oldest children have gone off to college and one is married.  Our son is in high school.  Time does have a way of healing.  Perhaps the "delight" I thought would be for me is bringing delight to my Father in heaven.  Though long in coming, I cherish the thought.

A friend asked me the other day if I still wished I would have another baby or if I was kind of "over" the whole baby thing.  I was watching her struggle to put a car seat in her car and lug all the baby gear around.

A million things flashed through my mind as I thought for a second and said, "No, I think I'm pretty much over it."  It felt good to say it and finally mean it.

But that brings me to another chapter.