Home Sanctuary

Timing is Everything

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One evening awhile back, I was checking email, reading blogs and doing my own thing.  My husband Tom was in the room with me, watching TV and doing his own thing.  Companionable silence, it was nice.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he says, "Hey, I don't really like the way you have your hair right now."

I lifted my eyes from the screen and fixed my gaze upon him.  I pursed my lips.

Oooh KAAAY.  I'll log THAT away.

"Oh really."  Do tell.

"It just makes your head look kind of boxy on top."

Diggin' a hole, buddy.

"I liked it better the other way."

Diggin' a deeper hole, pal.

Now he's talking faster, as if he's realized he's in dangerous territory.  Except for my raised eyebrows, I feel I am maintaining incredible cool. 

"I just saw this newscaster on TV and thought she had good hair and that reminded me that I was meaning to tell you that I liked it  better when it flipped out more on the sides or something...."  he trails off and mumbles incoherently.

"Well, thanks for the advice," I say.  I was annoyed.  Why would you bring THAT up out of nowhere?

I was still annoyed an hour later as we were getting ready to crawl in for the night.  I ripped the covers over me and made a point of getting my pillows organized.  Hmph.  BOXY?  The nerve.

Then I realized that there is probably never a good time for a man to voice a negative opinion about his wife's hair.  Out of the blue is probably just as good a time as any, because it's never going to go over very well.  Now, a guy might want to have a good exit strategy, like a getaway car waiting with engine running, if he values his life at all.  At the very least, he ought to have a big distraction to pull off, like a fire alarm or a well-timed phone call.  It's a conversation that has no good ending, just a narrow escape.

Upon reflection, I think I'm just as guilty as he is about unloading bombshells at inopportune moments.  Telling him the septic tank is backed up again just as he walks in the door from work is not real smart.  Bringing up the subject of the kids needing new tennis shoes and dental work might best be brought up after a nice dinner. 

But nooooo.  Bursting with the need to share every detail with my sweet love makes me speak first and think later.

Sometimes I do it on purpose.  So what if he's had a bad day?  Mine's been worse, and I want him to feel my pain.  Misery enjoys company.  "And by the way, we're overdrawn on our checking account, so THERE."  No prelude, no nice lead-in.  Then I wonder why he snaps at the kids and withdraws into silence.  On second thought, misery doesn't enjoy company.  It's just misery.

I'm reminded that the words we speak are just as important as the moment we choose to say them.  I'm trying to make a habit of pausing for a minute before blurting out my garbage.  Is now a good time?  Would it be better to wait until his favorite show is over?  Maybe I should just sit on it for a day and think about what I want to communicate.  Or give him a heads up that there's something we need to talk about later, rather than sucker-punching him when he's not ready.  It takes some self control and a lot of prayer to hold my peace rather than destroy his.  It's a work in progress, let me assure you.

While still smarting over my hair, I tried to be philosophical about it.  I could probably wield the curling iron around a little differently to get rid of the boxy look.  Lord knows I didn't want to look like there was a UPS package sitting on top of my neck.  I suppose I should have thanked him. He knows important good hair is to me, and that I can't actually SEE the top of my own head.  I'm sure he thought he was doing me a favor.

But next time, perhaps a box of chocolates AND a getaway car on hand would be a good idea.  At least then I could soothe my hurt feelings with candy while the curling iron heats up.  I'll suggest that to him...over a nice dinner.

Today's Small Thing is to consider TIMING before uttering your words. If you are married, take the opportunity to use this task with your husband. Pause long enough to add a gentle tone or remember to add a positive spin. Kindness goes a long, long way.

POINTS: 50 for exercising self control with your tongue.

Nature Call #3: Am I Loved?

Of all the Nature Calls that tug on our hearts, perhaps the strongest and deepest is the question,

"Am I loved?"

It's a question that echoes through the most private recesses of our very being. 

We need to be loved. Deeply.

And we need to FEEL loved. Meaningfully.

Gary Chapman, in his books about the Five Love Languages, teaches that we actually speak (and understand) specific love languages.  You are probably familiar with this idea, and it's brilliant.  It really revolutionized how we express love within our family, because we started learning how to "speak" each other's language.  In  nutshell, the languages are:

Quality Time: focused attention, sharing, talking, shared activities

Gift-Giving: visual symbols of love

Physical Touch and Affection: hugs, pats, hand-holding, etc.

Words of Affirmation: verbal appreciation, encouragement

Acts of Service: serving in a sacrificial way

It started making sense that one child would feel loved when I would spend time with him (just watching him play!) and another would feel loved when I would help her clean her room.  I know I sure feel loved when my husband washes dishes or fills the gas tank.  It's more than the words, "I love you," it's the actions that speak right to the heart.

There's a 30 second quiz here.  And here's how to spot your child's love language.

When we meet each other's emotional needs, we "fill our tanks."  In our children, we'll see better behavior (gimme a high five on that) and fewer conflicts (five on the side!)  When their tank is full, they are free to think and grow and BE.  The same is true in marriage.  Oh, I love it when we are speakin the same language!

Today's Small Thing is to spend a few minutes considering your child's (and/or spouse's) Love Language.  Does he beam when you help him with one of his chores?  Is she extra sweet when you've given her a lot of hugs?  Do encouraging words light him up?  Take the easy quizzes and then look for ways to speak their language.

Answering your child's question, "Am I loved?" with a resounding "YES!" will give him security and confidence to go out into a world that is often harsh and unforgiving.  He will have an inner strength and courage to face whatever life brings.

It's what we ALL want.  It's what we ALL need.  And it's ours to give and receive.

POINTS:  30 for taking the 30 second quiz

BONUS: 10 for each family member's language you can identify  (if you're single, go with a room-mate, sibling, parent or friend)

EUREKA!!  This would make a great game to play as a family!  Who's on??

And what's YOUR Love Language?

Talk to Me, Babe

It's said that women have more words to say in a day than men do.  I think that's probably true in most cases.  Let's face it, we have a lot of ground to cover, from diaper rash to low-fat yoghurt to Sarah Palin.  But sometimes I wonder if men might have more to say if we gave them opportunity to talk about what they'd like to talk about. 

I can see you rolling your eyes.

Uh huh.  Sports.  Nascar.  Golf.  What's Wrong with the Church Today.  Why Do You Have to Press "1" for English.  What's Up with all the Bilingual Signs at Walmart.

Oh, sorry, those are some subjects at our house.

But I'm often guilty of talking more than listening.  Of explaining rather than asking.

My man loves it when I ask him questions about what he thinks.  He likes me to ask him about hockey.  He likes me to talk with him about stuff he's interested in.  He likes me to listen, even when I've already heard that story a couple (hundred) times.

It wierd, but sometimes when I need my man to listen to ME, the very thing I need to do is stop talking about "my" things.  It's like a reverse cosmos thing that happens when I meet his need for a sounding board or a sympathetic ear.  

Or just listen to sports talk.

Today's Small Thing is to ask your man a question.  Ask him what he thinks about the Eagles' offense or the Packer's defense.  Surprise him with your interest in carburetors, or the fastest route to the office. Set down what you're doing and look at him when he explains the inner workings of the latest software or innovative development in trash compactors.  Somewhere in there, you may get a nugget of insight into what delights him, makes him tick, makes him get up in the morning.

The point of today's Small Thing is not to get to his inner core of manliness.  You may have already tapped into that as soon as you brought up football.  It's simply to express your love in a way that is almost irresistible, and that's to show interest in the things that interest him.

POINTS:  You should get a lot for this because it might just take some effort and several tries. How about 50!

If you are a single Company Girl, just pick a friend to shower your interest upon.  Jump in and have fun with it, too!

Still Romantic

 

Thank you girls for your kind wishes for a wonderful anniversary last week.  It was even better than we could have hoped, perhaps because we didn't have a Big Plan built up in our minds as to how it would turn out.  We spent last Wednesday morning finishing up some office work, and then set out for our overnight stay at the Gaylord Hotel. Along the way we stopped and picked up some sadly needed new clothes that would be suitable: a shirt and nice jeans for Tom, a blouse and skirt for me.  A pair of very cute sandals and my head was spinning.  Sugar Daddy was on a roll and I was loving it.  Earrings, too?? I really shouldn't, but if you insist...

Now that I was feeling like a princess, we paused to peek into the chapel where we were married 25 years ago.  It was locked and we couldn't get in, but it was enough to give us that tickley feeling that you're looking back through time, seeing yourself wishing you could see ahead to today to know if your dreams would come true.  I know that doesn't make sense, but that shivery feeling sure was real.  And yes, they did come true, with all the color and depth and work and love that came with them.

The Gaylord was fantastic.  We had an incredible dinner at the Old Hickory Steakhouse.  It was a gourmet delight for a couple who considers Macaroni Grill haute cuisine.  Every morsel was a feast for the senses, and it made us think that maybe we've been missing out on enjoying life's finer pleasures every now and then.  Note to self:  skip a few meals at McDonald's and save those pennies for an expensive restaurant that you'll truly enjoy.

The rest of our stay was romantic and sweet.  From the beautiful room to the Riverwalk Cafe, we talked and laughed and loved being together.  It was like a mini honeymoon and I want to remember every moment.

We got back to our rickety old Barn House and the chores that were kind enough to wait for our return.  But things feel....fresher.  

Not the house, but US.  

Even the untimely demise of our upstairs air conditioner can't dampen our spirits as we get back to regular life, although we will be sleeping on an air mattress downstairs until it gets fixed.  

I told Tom that I took a lot of things away from our in-town trip, but there is one thing that struck me the most.  Of all that's happened in our lives, the first and best thing we have going for us is being lovers. Romance is often the first thing that can fly out the window when things get stressful, but it's probably the one thing that can keep you both sane and, well, uh....happy.  It keeps you close and you have to have that if you hope to make your marriage lasting and fun.  I think you might get my drift. 

We should be lovers first.  Parents second.  Workers and everything else a distant third.  How can you miss if you start there?

Today's Small Thing has to do with a very practical part of romance, and that's to focus on your bedroom.  I was glad we hadn't left ours a complete disaster to come home to, but the ironing board was still up and there was clutter on the dresser.  Spending time in a spotless hotel will give you a new appreciation for how it affects the moooood for love.  Ya just don't feel quite as sexy when the laundry is strewn all over and the kids' toys are underfoot.

Take a moment to look around your master bedroom.  Is this area of the house a romantic retreat or a household catch-all?  Is it the last place in the house that gets your attention?  Grab a basket and pick up the clutter and clothes, scoop up the loose change and ticket stubs from the dresser tops and make the bed up nice.  Spend about 10 minutes in there straightening and picking up and see if it doesn't make you feel happy!  

Whether you are married or single, the bedroom should be your own little refuge.  You shouldn't be sleeping in a storage area or a play room, so take some time to make it special.

POINTS:  40 for a 10 minute spruce-up of your bedroom

You say tomato, I say tomahto

I wish you could meet my man, Tom.  He's not shy by any means, but he will avoid standing out in a crowd if at all possible.  He hates getting up in front of people, but if you give him a subject he is passionate about, he'll speak with eloquence and wit.  He'd be perfectly content to live a quiet life with few interruptions from the outside world.

He and I were talking about our son G.T. the other day and I remarked how much he is like Tom.  "He's a lot like you, except much more outgoing," I said.

"Oh, I'm outgoing all right," Tom replied.  "Just not around people."

I'm so glad he cleared that up.

We had a good laugh over that quip, but it made me stop and think about our differences. I definitely have more of a "people" need than he does. Tom and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary on Wednesday and when I think back over the years that we've lived together, I have to scratch my head sometimes.  He's a planner, I like to wing it.  While I'm off in la-la land, dreaming up some scheme, he's working away to make something actually happen.  I'm the idea person, he's the list maker.  I'm the messy one, he is the neatnik. But he's more sentimental than I am, so go figure. He's just the type of guy you want on your team, no matter what the objective is. 

Today's Small Thing is to appreciate your mate's differences.  I've heard it said that if two people are exactly alike, one of them is superfluous.  I need all those things that can sometimes drive me crazy to save me from my own self. 

But truthfully, I don't always communicate my appreciation to him because I don't want him to think his way is better.  And it's hard to give a compliment without defending your own self.  Isn't that kinda sad??  That I would withold a pat on the back because of my own insecurities?  He deserves better.

After 25 years, I'm still learning and growing.  I really want my marriage to be even better in the next 25 years than it has been in the first.  The only way that will happen is to accept and appreciate those things that make my man who he is, and then let him know how I feel about him.

POINTS: 30 for giving one compliment with no strings attached to your man.  Don't fish for a compliment in return or think you ought to get brownie points.  Find something he does differently than you and give him some honest appreciation.  Your words will be sweet to his ears and will warm his big ol' heart.

Every guy wants that and you're just the girl to do it.

Visit me at Writer, Interrupted today

I forgot to mention that I've posted some thoughts about waxing over at Writer, Interrupted today.  And no, it's not about waxing my bikini line (if I actually had one.)  Come see me!

Rachel Anne

Eye-Candy

One of the things I treasure about loving someone is being able to look right into their eyes without feeling weird.  Think about it:  how many people can you gaze at without having to look away in embarrassment?  Probably not many.

But children are great at this.  They don't mind staring at perfect strangers.  They'll look you right in the eye and pick their noses without shame.  They haven't learned to be self-conscious about the "right" amount of time to look at people.

When you fall in love with someone, you want to look at his face all day long.  You notice his eyelashes and the way his eyes crinkle up when he laughs.  You notice the flecks of gold in his eyes and how his dimples show.  Good Golly, he's a gorgeous man and he's ALL MINE!

When you have babies you could stare at them for hours.  Their perfection is astounding.  We MADE this little bundle of heaven??  Just LOOK at that face!  LOOK at those fingers and toes.  That's the cutest bellybutton I've ever seen!  It's like you want to drink in every detail and hold it in your mind forever.

But life has a way of getting busy.  Sigh.

Before you know it, you're juggling ten things at once and talking on your cell phone.  You're having quick conversations with your spouse about who needs to be where and when, and being interrupted constantly by the demands of parenting and other activities. 

You just....forget. You forget to really look at each other.

And I've noticed that my preoccupation with other things affects my ability to focus on my kids.  Oh, they babble on. and on. and on. until your eyes simply cross.  You learn to say "Uh huh" without actually paying attention to what they are saying. 

And you can go a whole day without really turning and looking right into their beautiful little faces. 

Today's Small Thing is simple, really.  It's just to make a point of truly looking at someone when they are talking to you. To get close enough to notice their eyes and their eyelashes and the charming way their mouth moves when they talk.  Stop stirring the pot on the stove or picking up clutter or being entranced by the computer.  Take a moment to physically turn and look and pay attention to someone you love.

It's a small, small thing.  But what a gift it is.

POINTS: 30 for enjoying some eye-candy today.  Aren't your loved ones beautiful?

A man's idea of multi-tasking

My man, duck hunting AND reading his hockey play-book.

See how he can call in the ducks AND plan hockey plays at the same time?

I'm not much of a multi-tasker, so I'm thinking that's pretty good...for a man.

My Man, my own Mr. Darcy

I was trying to clean up my little music playlist over there on my sidebar, checking to see which of the links were working and which ones weren't. My man, Tom was sitting at a nearby table, working on a project.

"I think I'm just going to eliminate this one," I said out loud, and hit the button to play the theme from "Pride and Prejudice." It was at the bottom of the list and I've never given it top billing. I thought it seemed a little out of place on my blog, even though there is still plenty of real-life pride and prejudice that happens at my home sanctuary.

As the opening piano notes began to play I heard my hockey-coaching, duck-hunting, football-loving, he-man husband say quietly (and with a British accent, no less)

"You have bewitched me, body ahnd soul."

I spun around to face him.

"WHAT did you say?" I asked. He'd hardly even looked up from his task.

"You heard me." he looked up and smiled at me.

Then he gave me his best Mr. Darcy look and repeated straight into my eyes,

"You have bewitched me, body ahnd soul."

Oh man. Any guy who can tote a gun, haul stuff in the back of a truck and quote Jane Austen is a real find.

I'm keeping him!

Putting the Jelly Away

He said it in the nicest possible way, but it made my blood boil instantly.

"Hey, Hon. Do you think when you are cleaning up the kitchen you could remember to put the jelly in the fridge?"

My man knows me so well. "Now don't start getting all defensive," (who ME??) "and don't start listing my wrongs," he said. "It's just something that bugs me and you do it all the time."

OH REEEALLY.

I do it "ALL THE TIME." Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah right.

Oh, I was hacked off. Just who is the one who comes in here and loads the dishwasher, cleans EVERYTHING up and then turns around to see a dirty plate left "anonymously" in the sink?? Who, I ask you, is the one who never. says. a. word. when I clean up toast crumbs, straightens the towels that never get hung right and finds crusty cups left out?

There were hundreds, yea even thousands, of things that came instantly to mind as I turned to face him. I gave him the raised-eyebrow-closed-lid sigh and bit my lips into a thin line to let him know that I could take the criticism but I wasn't buying it.

"I'll be sure and remember that," I said, oh so sweetly. As I walked from the kitchen I rolled my eyes and clenched my teeth. I was hoppin mad.

And it took me an hour to cool off.

Over a jelly jar.

OK, I've gotta be honest. I saw the jelly jar sitting out. I knew that it is a pet peeve of my man's. He's mentioned it before, several times. And I cleaned everything around it.

But I left it out. On purpose.

Maybe it's my way of saying, "I can if I want to."

After all, I do clean up the kitchen 90% of the time. If I choose to leave the jelly jar out, well then, so be it. If you want to come in here and help, feel free. But don't complain about the jelly jar when you're not the one in here slaving away day after day.

But right in the middle of my mental defensive discourse, I felt a pang of remorse. I thought about all the petty things I overlook every day without anger, UNTIL a small thing like a jelly jar gets brought to my attention. Suddenly, all the joy in overlooking gets sucked right out and I feel my finger start wanting to wag...."OH YEAH??? Well, how about THIS??"

That sticky jelly jar was more than just a "forgotten" item on the counter.

It was my way to give a little dig into my man, to make him pay just a bit for some little offense I've so gracefully "overlooked."

Now, I'm not an easy person to criticize. My tears start falling at the mere thought of conflict, and I get defensive so easily. I know my man avoids telling me things because I can't just blow it off and move on. So for him to mention, once again, the "Jelly Jar," it must be a real issue with him. Oooh, Hot Item, here!

It's a small thing, maybe even petty, but perhaps I CAN listen a little better. Defend a little less. Love him by paying attention to the little things he needs or wants.

Eph. 4:2,3 ...be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

It's easy to love each other when there are no Jelly Jars or crumbs to bicker over. It's another to gracefully admit a wrong and keep loving, rather than becoming wounded over something so small. I'm still working on that.

I want to love without keeping score, without counting crumbs or jelly jars or messy towels. I want to be able to accept "requests" without feeling criticized, and be able to joyfully serve in ways that matter to my man.

If that means putting the Jelly away, I think I can do it.